Rounding the Next Corner

If there is one thing I am learning/have learned during this grief process, it is that God will help me go through it. But, He is faithful to make sure I go through it - not around it, over it, bypassing it, skipping it, or anything of the sort.

Last week I had the privilege of speaking to the young adults ministry at my church. It was a great night of fellowship, worship, and the Word. I spoke on 'the gift of suffering', pulling from several passages in the New Testament which culminate in Philippians 1:29 ('for it has been granted to you...to suffer'). As an illustration to how God has been near to me during this time of personal suffering, I explained the sense I have had when the Lord pulls back what Christen referred to as 'the crisis covering' - that extra grace He gives to help us through the worst of the worst of times. Essentially, when that covering has been pulled back a bit, the first thing I see is Jesus staring me in the face, saying, "I'm right here, now let's go face this thing," and then I see the next piece of the process through which I am to work.

The covering has been pulled back again, and the way Jesus manifested Himself was through a couple of well-loved and trusted individuals in my life pointing to the reality that I now must face more fully. These two brothers helped me to see a truth I had been avoiding - things really are different now.

From the time of Christen's passing, I have done my best to reestablish our family routines to the best of my ability. I am back at work, the kids are being taken care of at home by a cache of loving and selfless volunteers, we are doing Friday pizza/movie night, Saturday Family Breakfast at Starbucks, church on Sunday and Prayer Meeting on Tuesday. All the things we used to do. Only now, without Christen.

And therein lies the issue. I have attempted to recreate our family minus one essential element, and I have found that without that element all the traditions and rituals ring out slightly off-pitch. The fact, and the reality I have to face, is that things - really everything - are different. Totally. Irrefutably. Irreversibly. Different.

There is a corner up ahead that I am going to have to round if my family is ever going to properly move through our grief. It is the kind of corner that one does not circle back to once the turn has been made. It's the corner that says, "She's really gone; she isn't coming back. You must continue, and you must bear this well for your own sake, for your children, and for those who will come after you." Thankfully, as I hear the Lord say this to me, He follows it up with, "And I'll be with you every step of the way. Now let's get going."