Bumping Up the Priorities

Back in October 2011, Christen and I had the opportunity to sit on a panel with two other married couples at an event held by our church's newly launched marriage ministry. During the Q&A session, I was able to address the issue of priorities. Speaking as someone who has mixed his up a time or two, I was glad to convey what I had learned. As a married man with children, I stated, my priorities are and must only be as follows:

1) Christian
2) Husband
3) Father
4) Everything else

In other words, my relationship with Christ comes first, my relationship with my wife next, my relationship with my children third, and then all other relationships after that (extended family, friends, co-workers, etc). Also, for those aspiring to vocational ministry, being a Christian and being a minister are not synonymous. Ministry falls under priority 4. I know from experience on that one, so trust me.

I have a challenge now, though. When Christen passed away, a gap opened up in the priority list. It has looked like this:

1) Christian
2)
3) Father
4) Everything else

I didn't know what to do with the gap. Do I swallow it with priority 1? Do I leave it blank, thereby either trying to keep Christen in that slot or unwisely trying to fill it with someone or something else? Do I just ignore it and hope it goes away?


In the end, the purpose of the list is to keep what's most important in the right order. Therefore, the current list should look like this:

1) Christian
2) Father
3) Everything else

I am not advocating here that my kids take Christen's place or that I am now married to my kids. If I am thinking the former, I place an unfair and, honestly, strange expectation on my kids to be my best friend. If I am thinking the latter, when they eventually leave the house, it will feel like a divorce rather than the natural progression of life. In either case, they are not meant to fill those roles.

What I am proposing is that they have bumped up the priority list. As of now, after my relationship with Jesus,  my most important relationships are with my kids. Perhaps this seems a natural or common sense conclusion, but I must admit I came to it after a lot of thought and wrestling. I didn't want to view them as my 'new marriage'. I am their daddy and their my wee ones, and that needs to remain as is (though they won't be wee ones for much longer!).

What does change is the time, effort, thought, and energy I put into my respective relationships with each child. Some of the relational resources I devoted to Christen will go to my relationship with Jesus, but other resources will go to the kids. This prevents turning my kids into pasty, blonde idols while still allowing for our relationships to flourish in a wholly new way.