A Love Song

I have spent this entire month trying to think of what to say on this day. Normally, I can come up with a few ideas, a phrase, even a key word, that will spark enough of something to get my mind and emotions together in order to express the message I desire. I have even taken these last few weeks 'off' from writing in anticipation of writing this post. The day is rapidly drawing to a close; it's 11:27 on the anniversary of my wedding, and I just came to this realization:

There aren't words.

There aren't lonely enough words to express how deeply I miss my wife.

There aren't sufficient celebratory words to communicate the beauty of the marriage we shared.

There isn't a sensual enough vocabulary to describe the intimacy of truly knowing her the way I knew her.

For perhaps the first time in my life, I am at an actual loss for words. I have used that expression many times, but inevitably I follow it up with something clever or witty or insightful or inspiring. I don't know if I'll be able to do any of that here.

I wanted to find a way to tell you all what an astonishing woman Christen was. I wanted to communicate the depth of her beauty, the ferocity of her loyalty, the sweetness of her smile, the song-like quality of her voice, the way her fingers fit in mine, the way she loved the Lord, me, the kids, family, friends, strangers, everyone. I wanted just the right phrasing and prose and poetry so that you would know - like I knew - how a marriage founded and rooted and grown in the Lord can blossom into an ever-increasing adventure of faith, hope, and love.

I couldn't come up with it. I thought about sharing stories from past anniversaries. I considered writing about the grace of a biblical marriage. I toyed with the idea of expanding on the post I wrote on her birthday, re-enumerating all of Christen's exceptional qualities and how she loved me so well as a wife. I thought I had hit on it when I remembered Song of Songs 5:16 - this is my beloved, and this is my friend - as that effectively defined our marriage.

Nothing felt right.

Today, I read a couple of her journals and the letters she had written me over the years. The first time I did this, I was deeply grieved because 1) her writing has stopped, and she was so good at it and 2) I wanted to love her more and better than I had up to that point. In rereading them today, I was encouraged. God gave me the grace to love her well, in spite of myself, and she saw and appreciated it - and she returned to me her grace-given love, which I will always cherish.

Yet even in all of her writings, I could not find the words to properly tell our story. Perhaps there are too many words and too little space to try to tell it all. Perhaps they are just inadequate words.

Ultimately, Christen provided the solution for me, as she did so frequently in our time together. There was a song that she felt defined our love. I share it with you in the hopes that you will celebrate with me this day - the day I married the most beautiful woman I've ever known.

Guest Post: On Obedience by Christen

I was reading through one of Christen's journals and came across this entry. I share it with you in the hopes it will stir you, as it did me, toward love and good deeds.

Obedience is of extreme importance. When the Lord calls you or gives you 'marching orders', listen and respond according to His instruction. Though we have free will, it is not optional to obey the Lord or not. God has a prophetic will for each of our lives and a plan to carry it out. If we don't respond, we're missing out on His perfect will, a chance to be used by God, to honor Him, to be transformed. It is not a matter of deciding for yourself what the Lord would have you do and then convince Him your plan is best. Seek His direction, read His Word, pray, meditate, worship Him. He will direct your path.

Remember Saul's disobedience when he did not destroy every Amalek and their livestock because he listened to the people [who said] that God would be better pleased with burnt offerings. The Lord regretted ever appointing Saul as king. Consider the obedience of David - on a cheese errand for his father [he] slew the giant in the name of the Lord.

Oh Lord, forgive me for my disobedience. Thank you for Your mercy and Your grace because of Your son Jesus Christ, who walked the earth in perfect obedience, even to death on a cross. Help me, Lord; by Your Spirit enable me to walk in Your ways, to hear Your voice, and battle for Your will in my life.

Quantity Time is Quality Time

I have learned exponentially more about parenting in the last 5 months than I had in the previous 5 years. Okay, that's probably an exaggeration, but it has felt like such a steep learning curve. Prior to Christen's passing, we spoke often of our parenting style, of the particulars of disciplining each child according to their unique personalities and needs, of how to impart grace so that they love obedience rather than simply obeying out of obligation, and so on. We read books together and had frequent dialogue about how each child was developing. We talked about the specific strengths and challenges we brought into the arena of parenting based out of our own upbringing and subsequent growth and maturation.

After Christen passed, I lost that moment-to-moment reflection and conversation. While I have the people who faithfully watch my kids giving me reports, getting a report from Grandma or Titi is very different than a report from Mommy.

To tell you the truth, I have had to come to grips with the fact that I leaned too heavily on Christen in raising the kids. I was out of touch at certain levels, and there was no excuse for it. Consequently, I have ground to make up with both Audrey and Hudson. And the only way to do that is time.

I read somewhere that, when it comes to spending time with small children, you can't really say, "It's not about the quantity; it's about the quality." Why? Because you can't guarantee that the sliver of time you've set aside for 'quality time' is going to be filled with quality activities. If that time is spent dealing with a fight between siblings, discipline, or just plain old grumpiness, the quality has been taken out of the time. With small children, you actually need quantity to get at quality.

Now, before I get rebuked for saying this, please understand that I am not here condemning myself or anyone else. For some of us, the schedule is what it is, and we are doing the best we can with the time we have. If that's the case - praise the Lord! But, if we're using 'quality time' as parent-ese for 'when it's convenient for me', then we need to rethink our priorities. I assure you, I am speaking about myself here, as this is really where I was coming from for too long.

Thankfully, the Lord has taught me this lesson while my kids are still young. I have ground to make up, but should the Lord grant it, I have time to make it back up. Little by little. Hour by hour. Day by day. Intentionally being with my kids and setting aside the time to see that quantity turn into quality.