A Love Song

I have spent this entire month trying to think of what to say on this day. Normally, I can come up with a few ideas, a phrase, even a key word, that will spark enough of something to get my mind and emotions together in order to express the message I desire. I have even taken these last few weeks 'off' from writing in anticipation of writing this post. The day is rapidly drawing to a close; it's 11:27 on the anniversary of my wedding, and I just came to this realization:

There aren't words.

There aren't lonely enough words to express how deeply I miss my wife.

There aren't sufficient celebratory words to communicate the beauty of the marriage we shared.

There isn't a sensual enough vocabulary to describe the intimacy of truly knowing her the way I knew her.

For perhaps the first time in my life, I am at an actual loss for words. I have used that expression many times, but inevitably I follow it up with something clever or witty or insightful or inspiring. I don't know if I'll be able to do any of that here.

I wanted to find a way to tell you all what an astonishing woman Christen was. I wanted to communicate the depth of her beauty, the ferocity of her loyalty, the sweetness of her smile, the song-like quality of her voice, the way her fingers fit in mine, the way she loved the Lord, me, the kids, family, friends, strangers, everyone. I wanted just the right phrasing and prose and poetry so that you would know - like I knew - how a marriage founded and rooted and grown in the Lord can blossom into an ever-increasing adventure of faith, hope, and love.

I couldn't come up with it. I thought about sharing stories from past anniversaries. I considered writing about the grace of a biblical marriage. I toyed with the idea of expanding on the post I wrote on her birthday, re-enumerating all of Christen's exceptional qualities and how she loved me so well as a wife. I thought I had hit on it when I remembered Song of Songs 5:16 - this is my beloved, and this is my friend - as that effectively defined our marriage.

Nothing felt right.

Today, I read a couple of her journals and the letters she had written me over the years. The first time I did this, I was deeply grieved because 1) her writing has stopped, and she was so good at it and 2) I wanted to love her more and better than I had up to that point. In rereading them today, I was encouraged. God gave me the grace to love her well, in spite of myself, and she saw and appreciated it - and she returned to me her grace-given love, which I will always cherish.

Yet even in all of her writings, I could not find the words to properly tell our story. Perhaps there are too many words and too little space to try to tell it all. Perhaps they are just inadequate words.

Ultimately, Christen provided the solution for me, as she did so frequently in our time together. There was a song that she felt defined our love. I share it with you in the hopes that you will celebrate with me this day - the day I married the most beautiful woman I've ever known.