Picking Up Where I Left Off

The following article is a collection of excerpts from my journal. I began writing in it not only as a way to begin processing my grief but also as a means of emptying my mind of all the thoughts that were swirling around. I am publishing these pieces in a mini-series at first, in order to catch up, and then continue as appropriate interspersed with other writings. I desire that people know what faith-filled grief can look like for someone in the very early stages and how it progresses over time. Honestly, this is one way in which I am accepting accountability for going through what the next days will bring. I recently told someone that, were it not for grace, I would have quit my job, moved back with my parents, made them raise my kids, and mope about the house all day. Instead, because of grace, I will be returning to work, raising my kids (with lots of help), and laboring to see faith birthed in my kids and many others in the process.


January 11, 2012
Christen passed away two days ago. On Wednesday, January 4, we went in for her MRI...Christen would tell me later that she really didn't expect the MRI to show anything. Neither did I...
The last few days have been filled with more details and questions than I would have thought possible. Services, memorial funds, flowers, burial plots, music, clothes, food, people, people, people...I knew going in that I wouldn't really get to mourn for a few weeks...
The days since the biopsy have been the loneliest days I have ever felt. I'm surrounded by great people: family, friends, loved ones, even strangers. Literally, thousands of people from all over the world have prayed for Christen, me, and the kids. It's amazing, yet I feel so distant from all of that. There is a massive emptiness that I feel inside. She was my best friend and, more than that, a very literal part of me. We spoke often of how "one" we were, how we didn't think of each other in individual terms but rather as one, cohesive unit...
In the days and weeks to come, my loneliness will likely increase as I slowly learn to fill it with more of Christ. I will fight to preserve her memory through storytelling and story-gathering, and I will work all the more for the furtherance of the gospel and the well-being of the Church.
I miss her so much.