Christen's last words, at least the last words I was present for, were "I love you", directed at me after we'd kissed prior to her entering the O.R. I realize that she was awake and responsive at some point after the biopsy, enough so to say her name and correct someone for saying it incorrectly. I saw none of this, and my bet is that, were we able to ask her, she would not recollect those moments either. Therefore, the last words she consciously spoke were of love for me. This both warms and saddens my heart.
Audrey cried tonight for the first time in front of me specifically because of losing Mommy. She's been putting on a good face and trying to support me (she's 5!), but she finally let it out. We talked about what we miss, what she's doing, and hoped for Jesus to come back tomorrow.
We discussed this during that original week, but anyone with sense could see that all week, Audrey was actively trying to make OTHERS feel better. She was trying to make OTHERS laugh. That was how she dealt with the loss those first days...by serving others (just like her mom and dad). By the day of Christen's service, though, you could see that she was done entertaining, and just done with people. It was starting to sink in...and that's okay. It's good that she finally allowed it to hit her. It's good that she finally let you see it...that she went to you for comfort. It certainly won't be the last time.
ReplyDeleteChildren are joy. Hold on to that. Let them be your grace when times are their worst (and even when they're not).
As for Christen's last words--hold on to that as well. It's all any of us hope for when we lose someone, is that our last words to them and from them were of love. The last time I saw Christen/spoke to her was when we left after Thanksgiving. We hugged, and said love you. I will hold on to that as well.
Well said both my boys. My last words with Christen were so stilted.She had just told me that she had inoperable brain tumors and couldn't even cry about it. She then told me thank you for holding down the home front for her and we both said 'love you'. But mine was so stilted because I was trying not to cry on the phone and doing a poor job of it. I intended to talk to her about that later...but never got to. But she and I openly shared our love for each other...so I cling to that and rest assured that she knew I loved her...I don't know if she totally realized how much though. I don't know if our children can ever really know/understand the depth of a parent's love...but that's ok.
ReplyDeleteI am glad that Audrey opened up and spoke with her daddy. She will have more days of that, but the love and power of her earthly daddy and heavenly daddy will see her through.
THIS IS FROM ERNIE - showing up as Becky for some reason): Powerful words, God bless you my brother. I wanted to see you last night at CT but you were surrounded and loved -- blessed me BIG TIME to see you in your place playing bass. Can't imagine how hard that was without Christen in the worship team. Bless you. Praying for you. Ernie
ReplyDeleteI will never forget our last conversation (biopsy day). I called her to tell her that I love her (somehow the choked up words came out)and to give her some encouragement, little did I know that I was the one that was going to receive the encouragement. She was so calm and so at peace with everything that was going on that it blew me away. We talked about how God was going to receive the glory from this experience and how she was going to be okay. In our humanness it's hard to see how God is going to receive the glory or how everything's going to be okay, but one thing is for sure - God is sovereign and will surely continue to receive the glory that he alone is worthy of and as for Christen, she is better than okay. She is PERFECT now! Joe, I'm sure that no one else realizes this more than you - in our weakness His strength is made perfect. The more vulnerable and transparent you become with the Lord the stronger you get and that's pretty cool...all things considering. You are going to be like Superman when the Lord is done with you! So be encouraged brother! I can't wait to see how the Lord glorifies Himself in you and your children's lives! ~ Praying for you always!!! Joelia
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