I have sometimes wondered whether my marriage, and more specifically Christen, has/had become an idol for me. I sought her joy and happiness, desired her favor and love, lived for her approval, and found union with her most pleasing. I also may be overthinking, something she checked for me, and this may simply be part of my grief. I talked with God today, and the thrust was not "Give her back" so much as "Why did You take her now and not 20 years from now?" It's a selfish line of thought, focused primarily on my interests and secondarily on the kids', but it was what welled up from inside after reading through her journals of our pre-engagement and engagement time...
It was 1 week ago that I preached her funeral (2 weeks presently). Today has been the hardest day since leaving the hospital. I'm unsure of so much right now. I don't want to go anywhere or see anyone, but I also just want to get out and be with people. One part wants to just sit and ruminate on everything the she was and we were; the other part wants to shut all that down and do other things so as to not think about her. When I have silence, I think of her. That makes me simultaneously want more silence and noise.
oh that is so true! even for me now...i want time alone to grieve but need time with people so i don't think too much. when I miss her most the only one i want to talk to is you. though i have done much talking with Jesus too..
ReplyDeleteI see what you're saying. But I think there is a big difference between an idol and a very close attachment. If it were an idol, you would have worshipped her and been consumed by her. I think you put God first, therefore she wasn't an idol. It probably feels that way because you are thinking about her constantly which is normal in the grief process.
ReplyDeleteLisa