A Beautiful Inconvenience

There are two lies that have been popularized in our culture regarding marriage. The first is that marriage is simply about how two people feel about each other. They're 'in love', so they get married - of course! Just like all the fairy tales, the princess stories, the hero saving the damsel, the Richard Gere getting the Julia Roberts, the 'you had me at hello'. Love is something you fall into, and marriage is where you land.

The second is that there's always an out - just get divorced.

A quick note on the above point: There is acceptable, biblical precedent for divorce and remarriage. I am not condemning all divorce as ungodly. However, 'I just don't love him/her anymore' isn't one of the precedents. Which brings me to why I'm writing this at all.

Here's a truth that needs to be accepted in order to begin to overcome the two lies mentioned above:

Marriage is inconvenient.


Okay, I actually heard your sharp intake of breath just now. Calm down, and I'll explain. Think about it for a moment - you're a sinner and so is your spouse (or soon-to-be spouse). Unlike in math, two negatives in this case don't make a positive. In fact, each partner's sin is going to be thrown into sharp relief when exposed by the other. Nothing reveals our innate selfishness more than getting married - until you have children (which is a completely separate post). Prior to marriage, you were concerned with you, ultimately. With a spouse you are concerned with 'we'. Consequently, you must give things up daily for the sake of the other. Hot water in the shower, time in the bathroom, sheets on the bed, space on the couch, your preferences, your pride. And that's hard and difficult and uncomfortable and frustrating. Why can't you just 'win'? Here's the honest truth: marriage doesn't 'fix' anything - it unhinges everything, puts the pieces on the floor like so much IKEA ware, and asks you and your spouse to put it all back together again.

And it is a uniquely beautiful expression of God's grace.

This post was sparked by a video I saw via Desiring God, found here. It tells the story of a woman who, in spite of her husband's disability, has chosen to marry him and live a life of love and inconvenience. It is a remarkable story, and it is the kind of story we should use to inform our daughters and sons rather than what we see in culture.

This will not be easy for me to say, but I'm freewriting at this point, and so I hope you will bear with the rawness of it.

Christen dealt with me graciously for 6 1/2 years. I freely confess that I'm not the easiest person to live with. I read Gary Chapman's Five Love Languages, and I had 2 primary languages and a third just behind them. In other words, I'm high maintenance. I'm needy. All the time. And Christen had me figured out. I've never felt more trusted, respected, and loved than when I was with her. Even when she started getting sick, she would say how sorry she was that she couldn't take care of me the way she wanted to. And I thought, 'No, it's my turn now.'

We only really had two days to process what was happening from the MRI to the biopsy. For the sake of being able to make sound decisions in the midst of varied advice from friends, family, and doctors, we focused on taking each step one at a time. Therefore, we weren't thinking too far beyond just what was next. Still, we did talk. She was scared but determined. We talked about the reality that when the doctors said 'aggressive treatment', they meant chemotherapy. Intense chemotherapy. That meant her whimsical, ever-changing hair was going to fall out. And she said, 'No wigs.' She said she'd be bald and strong and creative with scarves (as ever). We discussed that her going through this would stand as a testimony to the sustaining power of God.

In this moment, as we were facing the potential of a brutal battle with a particularly vicious form of brain cancer, I learned the most valuable and important lesson I'll ever learn about marriage:

Christen was never more beautiful than when she was lying in her hospital bed, unshowered, gown on, electrodes glued to her head, unreservedly and unashamedly declaring the glory and grace of God in our lives.

Yes, marriage is an inconvenience, but oh! how beautiful an inconvenience it is.