The Dream that Woke Me Up

Have you ever had a moment where you really wanted to do something, something you knew wasn't in God's will for your life and He just wouldn't let you do it? Your flesh is simply screaming for you to engage in something - a behavior, a relationship, a mindset - and it is almost as thought the Lord is right there, calmly but irrevocably saying, 'No. I am not letting this happen. I don't care how bad you think you want it. The answer is no.'

This was my experience recently. And I love Him for it.

I found myself in a situation where I wanted, with everything worldly in me, to settle into a mindset that was contrary to much of what I previously strongly held. I started toying with the idea slowing down, focusing on 'me', doing what I needed to do to ensure I was set up, comfortable, able to live without some of the pressures that have historically come when living sold out for the Gospel. I was still going to church, still involved in ministry, still had a heart for seeing God work in my life, my kids' lives, and the lives of those close to me. But I was not focused on God's heart for my neighbors or my neighborhood. I was not listening to what He wanted me to say to someone, how I should pray for people, or even what to write here. In short, I was distracted by my circumstances and focusing on what I needed for 'me'. And oh! how empty it felt. I was not living in a way that magnified eternity. I was trying to settle into the standard, middle-class, culturally Christian life.

And He wouldn't let me do it.

There came a moment, after a particularly stressful day, when it felt as though scales had been removed from my eyes. I looked around as though I was really seeing for the first time in months, and I thought, 'I don't want this. This isn't me. I will not do this anymore.' A few days later I had to have a few hard conversations, mostly with myself, and I went to bed feeling at peace. That night, I did something I do not do often - I dreamed. It was a lucid dream, and honestly there was only a very small portion of it that I remembered. Naturally, it is the part the took place right before I woke up. But it was THE point of the dream.

I dreamed of Christen standing by a tree. The tree was huge, and I couldn't see the top of it because of the brilliant light that was shining through it. I only glanced at the tree, though, because once I saw Christen, I could not take my eyes off of her. Her hair was a radiant blonde, as though light itself was coming from each individual strand. She was taller than she had been when she was here. And her face. It was free of both blemish and makeup. She appeared in one sense pale but in another sense illuminated. Her lips weren't any shade of pink or red - they were like a type of silver. Her eyes were like spotlights that pierced straight through me. And yet for all her terrifying beauty, I could not help but to go to her. I said, 'I've been looking all over for you,' and we hugged. Then I woke up.

I felt stronger, more assured of what I was doing and what I am supposed to do than I have felt since she passed. It was a confirmation to me that I was back on the right path, and that there would be help for me as I continue to live out this life of faith and hope, help from God Himself by way of His Son through His Holy Spirit.

There will be more to come on this, but since then I have reevaluated and edited my mission statement for the first time in over five years. And I have begun the process of getting lower before God and humbly coming to Him. Just coming to Him. Not so that I can do this or that. Not to garner more of something. Not even asking for the strength or faith to do great exploits for Him. Just getting low and coming to Him. What He does with that is all in His hands.