The Spring Line

The week after Christen passed away, a few people asked about when I was planning on going through her clothes and packing them up/giving them away. When my grandmother passed away several years ago, my grandfather went through her things within the first few days. His logic: If I don't do it now, I'm never going to do it. That's reasonable.

I, however, chose to wait. This was in part because I couldn't bring myself to do it right then. The previous two weeks had been a whirlwind of shock, pain, grief, processing, details, emotional ups and (mostly) downs, family, travel, and on and on. I just could not bring myself to go through Christen's clothing after all of that. Besides, a lot of her clothes were in our storage closet because she was wise to store our Spring/Summer wardrobe somewhere other than in our limited closet space (it is Chicago, after all). I was not going to try to bring all that up in the middle of January only to effectively take it all back down again, then bring it up for me and the kids again in Spring. I figured, when it's time to bring out the Spring clothes, I'll go through her stuff then.

That day was today.

To understand this moment, you have to understand who Christen was when it came to fashion. While I am no great fashion-monger myself, I did learn a few things in being her husband. Namely: Her style was her own. This is something that I always loved about her. She did not mimic other people. She did not stalk celebrity styles to do what 'they' were doing (these principles also applied to her hair). She found a way to be ahead of the curve without really paying attention to magazines, tabloids, fashion gurus, and the like. We don't have cable, so even shows like 'What Not to Wear' (which she loved) were unavailable. Consequently, she made up her own style. Everything from her color combinations to layers to textures to accessories were uniquely Christen. I can't begin to tell you how many times I heard women in the church comment, 'I love what you're wearing, but I could never pull it off,' to Christen. As her husband - beaming! I mean, come on guys, admit it: Being married to an 'it' girl is pretty sweet. After all, she said 'yes' to me - amazing!

I also loved her approach to shopping. She would go to a store with something very specific in mind. I would think, 'Oh, she's seen that in a catalog somewhere,' or some such nonsense. After looking around for awhile, she would very often just be done and ready to leave. Sure, she'd have picked up a couple of items, walked around with them, perhaps even tried them on. In the end, if it wasn't exactly what she'd pictured in her mind, it would go back on the rack. She did this all the time. I would ask her about it. Her response: 'I saw it in my head, and I figure it has to be out there somewhere. So I'll look until I find it.' Very often she would find it - a year later when the fashion world had caught up to my wife's brain.

I wouldn't say that fashion was something Christen spent a lot of time thinking about (after all, her word for all the material stuff of this life was kindling); she did, however, have exceptional taste, class, style, and timing. She managed to do something that most women scoff at - she made modesty trendy.

This brings us to this afternoon. I brought up the bins from storage, pulled out my clothes as well as the kids', and then got to the task of emptying out all of her clothes. The living room was covered by the time I was finished emptying all the bins, under-the-bed storage, and the closet.

I went through each item because I wanted to remember. At some items I laughed ('how did she ever make that work?'). At others I smiled ('she wore that all the time'). A few I simply broke down and wept uncontrollably ('I remember the last time she wore this' or 'she wore this on our anniversary').

At one point I found a sweatshirt that Christen used to wear around the house all the time. Gray and white striped, zip-up hoodie made of waffley cotton material. It had been tossed behind something in the closet, so it hadn't been washed since the last time she'd worn it. It still smelled like her. And I lost it. Hudson was in the room for that one. He came over, and at first he laughed because he thought I was playing some sort of game. In fact, he asked if I was playing. I told him I was not, and that I missed Mommy very much. He just stared at me with such compassion on his face, he looked 23 instead of 3. Then he hugged me. I told him I loved him, and he said he loved me too. I told him I loved Mama, and he told me she loved me too. It was the most excruciating and sweetest moment of the entire day.

I am emotionally exhausted as I type this. This day has been circled on my calendar, so to speak, since Christen's passing. In going through this process, I knew part of it would be remembering her as she was when she wore this outfit, that dress, those skirts, and so on. It would mean dealing with the fact that she would never fill those clothes again. It would mean touching the cloth that used to touch her skin, knowing that neither it nor I would ever do so again. The clothes by themselves are nothing. But clothes have memories, and I heard each one of them today.

I wish I could type something inspiring at this point in the post. I praise God that His mercies are new in the morning because I'm ready to go to bed and wake up to that. The truth is that today was one of the most emotionally taxing days I have had since her funeral. The point of today was not to see how far I've come in my grieving. The point of today was not to gauge my emotional readiness for this or that. The point of today was to get through today. To do this next hard thing. To embrace what was and accept, in increasing measure, that it isn't anymore. To let my kids know that it's okay for them to still miss Mommy. To weep openly. To say goodbye, again.

Daddy, Daddy, Daddy, Daddy....

I think I heard that phrase approximately 48,000 times this evening. Mostly, though not exclusively, from Hudson. Hudson has always been a daddy's boy. That has only become more accentuated in these last months, and especially in the last couple of weeks.

Tonight, I think we hit the peak. I actually had to marvel at how many times my name was said in a 2 hour time frame. I laugh even now as I think of it. The singular focus of Hudson's mind was nothing short of amazing. I've never witnessed such a laser-like vision from him. It was all me, all the time, all night.

To be very honest, in the moment, nights like this are exhausting. I was ready to fall asleep on Hudson's bed while I rubbed his back. He's still in a toddler bed, but in spite of the size, it felt remarkably comfortable. In the moment, nights like tonight are very difficult, a little frustrating, and can instantly zap one's energy.

In the long run, though, it's a different story. I am committed to responding to Hudson when he calls. I am trusting that this will communicate to him that his father hears him, and that will translate into his trusting that his Heavenly Father will likewise respond when he calls on Him. So, Hudson calls out, over and over again.

My response? Every time it's the same:

"Yeah, buddy, what's up?"

How to Study the Bible: The Foundation

With so much to cover and so many topics I'd like to talk about, I put Theology Thursday to a vote. The outcome of the vote determined what would be covered in the coming months. The first subject to be tackled is How to Study the Bible.

2 Timothy 3:16-17
All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness, that the man of God may be competent, equipped for every good work.


When the votes were tallied and this came out on top, I was pretty pleased. Some of the topics are, perhaps, more 'controversial'. Others are more 'current'. This one, however, is the most foundational. Therefore, I am glad to be going at it first. As was pointed out by one of the voters, all the other discussions stem from this root, the root that the Bible is true and instructs us in how to live and view the world and the circumstances in which we find ourselves. We should know why we should trust the Bible. We should know how it came to be. We should understand how to read it. We should understand how to read! I intend to cover each of these ideas in the coming weeks.

Before getting into the specifics of this topic, though, I want to let you all know that I have a bias: I believe the Bible is true. Every word of it. I believe the Bible is applicable. Every word of it. As I write more and more, I hope that conviction is put on display for your edification and my own accountability to the text.

I arrive at this conviction based out of the text above. The Bible was breathed out by God. By itself, that should be enough for us to want to read it and read it well. However, because the Holy Spirit is an excellent instructor, He tells us (through Paul, in this instance) why this is true. The Bible is profitable (literally useful or beneficial) for our lives in all areas. Is there something we need to learn? The Bible teaches. Is there sin in our lives? The Bible rebukes. Are we thinking incorrectly about something? The Bible corrects. Are we infants needing to grow in spiritual maturity? The Bible trains. To what end? That we would be competent and prepared for anything God would have us to do.

Here's the thing: God wrote a book. As such, we need to be reading it. Not just commentaries about it. Not second-hand opinions of it. We should open the actual book and read the actual words on the page. Those words are profitable for us. All of them.

Thus, we should get comfortable with reading them. Further, we should be comfortable reading, period. Little words in the Bible, because they were inspired by God the Holy Spirit, are a big deal. Words like therefore, so that, but, and, and so on are critical to our understanding of Scripture. This will mean getting comfortable with grammar....but I digress.

In the coming weeks, I will approach the subject of studying the Bible from a few angles, beginning with developing an apologetic of confidence toward the actual Bible itself. Here's how I intend to proceed:

1) What is the Bible?
     In this I will discuss how the Bible came about, including its canonization. I'll even give away the ending: the Bible is trustworthy as it is today. It wasn't put together 'over hundreds of years'. It was accepted long before that.
2) Is the Bible a valid historical document?
    This is important because if there has been corruption of the text over time, what we hold in our hands isn't really worth reading as 'true'. If, however, we can believe that what we have was what was written, then we can begin discoursing on the implications of what it says.
3) Why study the Bible?
    By recognizing the text as accurate to what was written, then we can consider its implications and why it would be important to be familiar with it. This conversation will involve the importance of practicing discipline with our time in the Word.
4) How do we study the Bible?
    This will be the most practical of all of the posts. I will discuss a few ideas to help get you started in studying the Bible. In the end, there is no 'perfect' or 'right' way of studying the Bible. However, having something on which to build will be helpful. This will also include a consideration for the different genres in which different books of the Bible are written and how that colors how we read.

Throughout this series, I will do my best to include helpful resources to consult as you approach this all-important study of the Bible itself. My list will not be comprehensive, but I trust it will be a good start. Also, it is my sincere hope and prayer that these posts will spark discussion, not merely a monologue on my part. If there is something unclear, please ask questions. If I am way off on something, call me out. Don't just take my word for it - do some research alongside me. Let's use this time to sharpen one another!

The Gift of Suffering: The Message

I had the opportunity to speak to the young adult ministry at my church recently, and from the moment I was asked to speak, I felt very strongly to speak on suffering. This is the talk I gave that night. It's a bit long (an hour), and I haven't mastered the art of editing in YouTube just yet, but I wanted to present it for your consideration nonetheless. In the end, my hope is that you will see suffering the way God intends and the Bible describes: as a gift.

And the Winner Is....

The votes have all been cast for what I'll be covering over the next several weeks (maybe months?) of Theology Thursdays. Here is how it all panned out, in order of most votes/what will be covered first:

1) How to study the Bible (including a conversation on the validity of the Bible)
2) How to be in the world but not of it
3) How am I saved? (including a conversation on Free will/Arminianism & Predestination/Calvinism)
4) What is 'church'?
5) Is God good?
6) Is hell real?
7) Romans 10: 9-10 (that's for you, Frank!)


I appreciated not only the votes but also that you all provided some explanations as to why you want the topic you voted for to be covered. I will incorporate those questions/additional thoughts into what I write.

Based on the weight and depth of these topics, most of them will likely be split into multiple posts - I can promise that will be the case for the first 3 topics at least. I don't want to write a book in one post, but I want to be thorough in my explanation of each. So, anticipate 2-3 posts on How to study the Bible, probably 2 posts on being in the world but not of it, and potentially 3-4 posts on How am I saved?

I am excited to see what comes of each of these topics as I do my homework on them. Thank you all for voicing your opinions and desires and pushing me to sharpen myself as I present these great subjects. I look forward not only to writing them up but also interacting with you over them. Let us not make this simply academic - let's take a look at how to apply the truths we learn daily.

Now, I have to get reading...