The Greatness of Our God

Yesterday I wrote about Christen and the impact her life had on so many. And many of you responded to that post validating what was written there. Truly, her life was one that was well-lived. Today, I want to take the opportunity to sum up the many lessons I have learned by the grace of God in this past year.

I have written much about the goodness of God. And I will continue to write on that theme because I truly believe that if people, Christians or non-Christians, could grasp the depth of that truth, then whole families, towns, cities, states, and nations would be transformed.

But today, I write about His greatness.

I made a statement at Christen's funeral that has become a refrain for many, and one I, myself, continue to speak: God is going to receive greater glory from Christen's passing than by raising her up from her sick bed. When I made that statement, I knew it to be true. But I must confess to you all now that I made it purely on faith. At the time, I didn't really see it. Yes, there was an outpouring of love and many immediate testimonies. Still, I was waiting and watching and anticipating what God was going to do. Honestly, I was straining for it, wanting to see it with great desperation. 'Oh God, show Yourself in this!!!' was my constant prayer.

His loving and gentle hand came in, quieted my unrest, stilled my soul, and instructed me to focus on being with Him in my grief. To stop thinking so much about what He was going to do. By His grace, I was calmed and learned what it meant to remain in His love. To be quiet. Still. Silent. And let Him work on me. In me. Through me.

Dear reader, God rewards faith! As I focused on Him, He, being a good Dad, pulled back the curtain of His sovereignty just an inch and let me get a glimpse of how He was working. I saw a sliver of the big picture of His plan. I have had the amazing and humbling privilege of seeing and hearing all that God has worked in people's lives. I said "God will receive greater glory", and He has responded to that desperate, faith-filled statement by saying, 'See? Do you see what I'm doing? This isn't even a fraction of all I have in this. Do not fear or be discouraged. I am working it all out for good - yours and theirs. Remain in Me, and you will renew your strength.'

A few examples:

• My family members who have awoken from a spiritual slumber only to find God has given them a voice to influence generations of young people through their instruction both in the classroom and the ministry.
• The husband and wife who have twins but would have had triplets if not for losing one. They read the words of grief from this blog and wept together in their own grief. Months later, I had a beautiful conversation with the husband over the phone while on my way home from work, and we were mutually encouraged in how God was so good, so faithful, and so present in our lives.
• The books gathered and sent, along with Christen's photo and a short note about her, to Africa to help educate children there who had no access to something as simple as a book.
• The blog post about Christen's mothering, written by a friend for the purpose of advancing awareness of child sex trafficking in India.
• The dozens of Facebook direct messages I received that began with, "I've never met you or Christen, but..." which then went on to describe personal revivals, inspired faith, hope for tomorrow, and restoration from brokenness.
• The pastor that caught wind of this story, read up on this blog and Christen's, having never met either of us, spoke to his people about faith and joy and praise in the midst of suffering and grief, and saw his people unite in worship to an awesome God.
• The worldwide Church that united in prayer for Christen, me, and the kids. Every populated continent was represented in prayer. The unity of Christ's global Bride was evident in a way I've never seen.
• The married couple that looked at each other with fresh eyes, refusing to take any moment they have together for granted.
• The parents who hugged their kids just a little more and a little longer, who learned to grow in grace for their little ones.
• The woman who started reading Christen's blog and realized she was missing something: peace. And she learned that she could only find it in Christ, so she's been following Him ever since.

God did not have to reveal these examples (and the many more not listed). He didn't have to prompt them to message, email, text, call, or talk to me. He could have simply executed His will, great as it is. But He did. Because He's good and loving and gracious and merciful. It was His way of saying, 'Don't lose heart. I am working. I AM.' His grace for me at those times was beyond anything I could have expected. This was one of my lessons: God's grace is more abounding to His people than we often recognize. Be still in Him, and He will show us great things He's working in the world.

I learned that, when I was at the end of myself, He would show up to give me fresh strength. It was just enough for that day, but it was what I needed. Early on, I felt very much like 1/2 a person having to carry 2 people's loads. It was overwhelming. God showed up in the form of His people, surrounding me with love - love in helping with tangible needs as well as spiritual. He showed up in His Word or a song or the energy of my kids. He loved me with the truth as well. He did not allow me to pity myself or what I was facing. His constant, loving encouragement to me was, 'You have no option; you have to do this. So get up. Don't worry, you're not alone. I'm here.'

I learned what Christen meant when she asked, 'What about a supernatural grieving process?' As in, what can God really do with my grief if I am fully surrendered to His purposes? What He does is bring a peace that is unfathomable, a love that is incurable, a faith that is insurmountable, and a joy that is indescribable.

And that is the real miracle: He truly gives joy in the midst of sadness. It seems like such a contradiction. But take a moment and really think about it. God responds to the cry, the wail, of His people, and His response inherently involves His presence. What else but joy can be felt when His people are in His presence? At my lowest moments He was closest. He didn't have to say anything; I knew He was there with me, and that was enough.

I experienced this lesson in an overwhelming way just two days ago. It was January 8, the day before the one-year mark of Christen's passing. For most of you reading this, the day she passed, January 9, is 'the day', the truly difficult day when much is remembered and grieved afresh. For me, 'the day' was really the day before, January 8. You see, that was the day I had the early morning conversation with the doctor - the 'there's nothing more we can do' conversation. The day of tremendous battling. Prayer. Believing. Fighting with myself. Remaining composed so I could process what was happening and make appropriate decisions when asked. Weeping with those close. Exhorting and encouraging others. Reminding myself that this was all actually happening.

One year later, God chose to simply bear down on me all day, pouring more and more joy into my heart. I was ready to burst. "It's too much, Lord!" I cried. I didn't ask for it. In fact, I didn't realize the real significance of the day until it was over. He showed up with force from the moment my eyes opened. I read the Word, and it was satisfying. I had lunch with a friend, and it was edifying. I listened to some new music, and I praised Him for just being Him. He knew what that day meant, and He showed up, showed off, and confirmed that there is no stopping His unending, unyielding love for His child!

Beloved, this is as true for you as it has been for me. Take Him at His Word:

"Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those whom he predestined he also called, and those whom he called he also justified, and those whom he justified he also glorified.

What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? Who shall bring any charge against God's elect? It is God who justifies. Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died - more than that, who was raised - who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? As it is written, 'For your sake we are being killed all the day long; we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered.'

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord."  ~Romans 8:26-39

Mission Accomplished

One year ago today, Christen, my wife of 6 1/2 years, passed away after a brief but intense battle with brain cancer. Writing that sentence took about 30 seconds, but the weight of it has reverberated through each of the last 365 days. I'll write a post tomorrow about the things I've learned in the past year. For this post, I want to focus on the impact of her life.

Christen's mission statement read: "To live a Bible-saturated, Christ-exalting life to the glory of God and for the joy of all people."

Christen's focus in life was always that God would receive glory from all people, that all would come to know Him and His love and His peace and His rest. That people would find their meaning in Him, and that they would be satisfied only and perfectly in Him. She wanted men to honor God with their worship and sacrifice and service and provision and leadership. She wanted women to glorify Him with their hearts and their minds, to find their identity in Him and not in worldly (read: empty) opinions, to be confident in Christ. She desired that the Church would take her place as the spotless Bride of Christ - but in so doing she would get her hands dirty with those less fortunate and in need. She wanted people to truly engage each other in relationship, knowing that it would be messy and fulfilling all at once.

She fostered an environment of hospitality in our home. To a person, and to this day, whenever someone steps foot in our 3-bedroom, typical Chicago style apartment, they say, 'This just feels like home.' Christen was a great designer, to be sure, but the feeling goes beyond the decor. The atmosphere of this place says, 'Welcome. Here, you will be loved.' She invited people into our home frequently, knowing that it would be messy with the activity of two imaginative children, noisy and at play and demanding attention. And people accepted the invitation for the opportunity to see a woman sold out for her Lord, opening her life to them and honestly answering their questions. She gave guidance and counsel in this home. She spoke the Word in this home. She exercised grace and love for the benefit of those who crossed our threshold.

Christen was one of the few people I have ever met that honestly put to death her fear of man. This was a work of grace from God that took a few years, but before she passed she spent nearly 2 years in absolute freedom from the cares and concerns of trying to please people for the sake of increasing her own reputation and pride. She had such a confidence in who God had created her to be that it didn't matter what this or that person thought. She knew she was dead-center in the will of God, and she was therefore unshakable. As her  husband, I was consistently amazed and inspired by her. And there is a lesson to be learned from this: these years of freedom were also marked by her most effective years of ministry and her greatest growth in influence. This is not a formula for gaining stature. It's a validation of the biblical principle that when you follow hard after Christ, He brings an increase. The best part? She had no idea. She just went after Him, and He gave weight to her words and actions.

I've written elsewhere about her as a mother and a wife, as did she in her own blogging, so I won't spend a lot of time on that here. It will suffice to say that she was a loving and gracious mother who adored her children while not spoiling them. She loved, laughed, played, taught, corrected, restored, repented for and to, prayed, sang, and generally encouraged Audrey and Hudson with the intentionality of one who knew she was training world-changing disciples. As a wife, she loved me well no matter what mood I was in or what the present circumstances of our life were. She respected me and built me up, strengthening me to a point where even the hard things of life became not only manageable but enjoyable.

Since her passing, not a week has gone by where I haven't received a fresh word regarding how Christen's life has impacted a person, a marriage, a mother, or a church. Some realized they were asleep at the wheel, woke up, and have turned their lives around. Others saw the peace she maintained in all circumstances, didn't understand why, read her blog, and had their hearts opened to Christ and His saving grace. Married couples renewed their commitments to one another, vowing not to take for granted any moment they had to share with one another. Mothers looked on the raising of their children with greater grace and fervor. Church leaders saw how one life, however brief, could impact so many and took their leadership to new levels in God. Bibles were opened that had been shut for years. Church seats were filled that had been vacant. Prayers were prayed that had previously been silent.

And we who remain, we issue forth praise from our mouths to a great God who honored us with the privilege of knowing and learning from this great woman!

The Gift of Suffering: The Message

I had the opportunity to speak to the young adult ministry at my church recently, and from the moment I was asked to speak, I felt very strongly to speak on suffering. This is the talk I gave that night. It's a bit long (an hour), and I haven't mastered the art of editing in YouTube just yet, but I wanted to present it for your consideration nonetheless. In the end, my hope is that you will see suffering the way God intends and the Bible describes: as a gift.

The Gift of Suffering: It's a Gift

I had the opportunity to speak to the young adult ministry at my church recently, and from the moment I was asked to speak, I felt very strongly to speak on suffering. Based on the response of that night and subsequent weeks as well as general observation, I believe this topic requires a more thorough examination. In the end, my hope is that you will see suffering the way God intends and the Bible describes: as a gift.


The previous posts in this series have built on each other. First, we discovered that suffering is promised to the Christian. After that, we learned that suffering is a means of grace for the Christian. Last week, we saw that suffering is part of God's plan and is good for the Christian.

In the final post in this series, we combine all of these points with a revealing verse from the Bible to conclude the following: Suffering is a gift from God.

I will expand on this simple statement at the end of the post so that we can more fully understand just exactly how suffering is a gift. For now, let's turn to the Bible to see how this statement can be made at all.

Philippians 1:29
For it has been granted to you that for the sake of Christ you should not only believe in him but also suffer for his sake.


The highlighted portions of the verse above indicate how we can understand suffering as a gift. To simplify the verse for the sake of our discussion, it says that it has been granted to us that we should suffer for the sake of Christ. To work this statement in reverse, we see that it is for Christ that we suffer. We can take comfort in this point. We don't suffer needlessly. There is a purpose to our suffering, and that is that we, by His grace, can suffer in such a way that will bring glory to Jesus (Col. 1:24). When we go through suffering but maintain our faith and trust in His good plan, when we refuse to give in to the doubt which we are tempted to feel, we show forth the immanent goodness and trustworthiness of God and display Him as our greatest treasure.

We likewise see, yet again, that suffering is the expected norm for the Christian life. Not only is our belief granted to us, but so is suffering. This has been discussed at length in other posts, but it bears repeating if for no other reason than because this is the hardest point to get - as a Christian, you will suffer.

Finally, we see that this suffering for Christ 'has been granted' to us. Another word for granted is given. And what gets given?

Gifts.


Allow that to sink in before reading on.


Why would God give us suffering as a gift? I don't know about you, but in my flesh I can think of a few other things I would much rather receive than suffering. Like....just about anything. And yet the Bible is unyielding in its view on suffering. It leaves us no room for displeasure in suffering. Why? Let's look back at the last couple of posts to understand this.

We can view suffering as a gift because we can see that it is part of God's plan, and God's plan is good and pleasing and perfect. God's overarching plan for all of creation is to bring Himself glory. Therefore, our suffering is meant to bring Him glory, and in so doing we will be fully satisfied in our lives because, when we suffer well for Christ and hold Him as most dear, He is most glorified.

We can view suffering as a gift because its goodness means that it stands as a form of grace in our lives. It is a way that God trains us as His children, and being His children means being adopted into His family and being co-heirs with Jesus.

We can view suffering as a gift because God promises it will happen in His Word, and His promises are meant for our ultimate benefit and blessing.

Allow me to now expand on the initial statement at the beginning of this post. This is the culminating conclusion of this series:

Suffering is a gift from God designed to enhance our delight in Him and advance the gospel to the world.


Armed with this truth, I want to leave you with a thought and a challenge. I warn you, the challenge will not be easy, yet I believe it is one that every Christian must face at some point in their walk with the Lord.

C.S. Lewis writes in A Grief Observed:
"You never know how much you really believe anything until its truth or falsehood becomes a matter of life and death to you...Only a real risk tests the reality of a belief (p. 22)."


Dietrich Bonhoeffer writes in The Cost of Discipleship:
"Cheap grace is grace without discipleship, grace without the cross, grace without Jesus Christ...Costly grace is a treasure hidden in a field; for the sake of it a man will gladly go and sell all that he has. It is the pearl of great price to buy which the merchant will sell all his goods...It is the call of Jesus Christ at which the disciple leaves his nets and follows him...Above all it is costly because it cost God the life of His Son; 'ye were bought at a price,' and what has cost God much cannot be cheap for us (p. 44-45)."


It is a simple thing to say that God is good and trustworthy when things are going well. It something altogether different to hold to the truth that God is good and trustworthy when no particular circumstance in your life would indicate that goodness.

My challenge is to ask yourself the following questions, honestly, before the Lord:

1)  Do you hold your life as so precious that you avoid suffering for the sake of personal comfort?

2)  Have you 'sold everything' and made Christ your treasure?

3)  Have you asked God to test you in these things?

Game On

I got mad at the devil this evening.

Allow me to explain:

As pretty much everyone reading this knows (and if you don't, you're in for a shocker), my wife Christen passed away on January 9. What most people don't know is what has continued to transpire in my more extended family since then. I'll give you both the good and the bad so that you have a more complete picture.

On the good side, my family's spiritual vitality since Christen's passing has been at an all-time high. Frankly speaking, Christen's funeral service was a wake-up call to a few members of my family, namely my brother and one of my cousins. My brother has become nothing short of prolific in his writing about Christianity from the perspective of someone who's been asleep for awhile and has recently awoken, only to find that the world is far more interesting than the dream he was having while asleep. If you want to read some of his thoughts, I'd highly encourage checking out his blog, aptly named Cromulent Thoughts (any Simpsons fans reading this will understand that reference). He puts up weekly posts, and while they have some length to them, they are worth the read (and I don't say that flippantly).

On the bad side, there have been some additional medical issues that have arisen within my family. My grandpa, who is in his mid-80s and has been suffering from Parkinson's for the past decade or more, slipped and fell a few weeks back, hitting his head and necessitating a visit to the ER, a trip down to Peoria for a few days, and now a few weeks in a nursing home while he goes through some physical therapy. He will likely be back home in a few days, but that put the family on alert again. Additionally, just this past week, my dad got up in the middle of the night and essentially passed out a few times before he ended up in the ER. He'd been having some stomach troubles for a little while, but it ended up being more serious than anyone thought - he has a bleeding ulcer. He was in the hospital for a few days, returning home just this evening (as I write, it's Sunday, April 1). All of this is just on the medical side of things.

Before I go any further, let me be clear about something: I am not writing all of this to complain. I am not writing all of this to elicit sympathy or pity. I am most definitely not writing this to attract attention to me or my family.

I am writing this because this evening I got a glimpse into the enemy's strategy, and I got mad about it. Real mad. And not like a 'gosh, I wish you would leave me alone' kind of mad. More like a 'seriously, that's how you want to do this?' kind of mad. I got mad because he's a liar and a schemer and a deceiver. I got mad because, as one trying to fight the good fight (literally, war the good warfare), I recognized that one of his strategies was to overwhelm me into silence.

It must be understood that I don't necessarily believe that all the events that took place were aimed at me. I think there are plans of God and schemes of Satan that are far more complex than that, taking into account all the lives involved and their respective reactions to different situations. I do, however, believe that Satan has a particular strategy for how I process all of the events that have transpired. His goal has been to keep the shots coming until I've dug myself in so deep I don't want to come out. That I get so entrenched in all the stuff happening and take my eyes off of the bigger picture and the larger plans God has designed. Effectively, that I take my eyes off of Him entirely and stare fixedly at the walls of my fox-hole. I realized all of this tonight, and I realized that I had fallen into that trap. And I got mad.

You see, this is a war, not a battle. In a battle, you have to have good tactics in order to win. You have to have the right formation, the right timing, the right terrain, the right discipline. Anyone can win a battle under the right circumstances. In a war, however, you have to have the best strategy in order to win. It means you know the battles you can lose, the positions from which you can fall back, but also where you must hold and advance in order to win the whole war.

I've been focused on battles going on around me and lost sight of the war. In this, I had lost my passion for the things Christen and I had spent countless hours discussing and planning. I didn't realize, until tonight, that this is precisely how Satan wants me to respond to these circumstances. I have been on the defensive, as it were, reeling from one attack after another, trying to 'hold it together' while I retreated further and further into the immediacy of my life. In taking it 'one day at a time', I ended up allowing each day to hit me, focusing more on surviving it rather than thriving in it.

Jesus says that He will build His Church, 'and the gates of hell shall not prevail against it (Matthew 16:18).' That's a statement of attack. To be at the gates is to be storming the very stronghold of an enemy. The Church storms the strongholds of hell, tearing them down with weapons not of this world (2 Corinthians 10:4). Jesus is the 5-star General of this war, and it's His strategy that's already broken the back of Satan - the plan He and the Father planned out before the foundations of the world, that He would come, live as a man, do so perfectly, die unjustly yet sacrificially, rise powerfully, and save people graciously, mercifully, and lovingly. In doing this, the war was won. What I lost sight of is the fact that the victory has already been obtained in Jesus. Oh! what a victory! We, the Church, have the privilege of now moving into enemy territory, not as fearful civilians constantly on the defensive, but as 'more than conquerors', destroying the enemy's strongholds as we go and seeing those bound up in his dungeons loosed from their chains and set free - only to join in the constant advance of Christ and His Church.

I titled this post 'Game On', but I do not believe this is in any way a game. It is war. It is life and death. Satan has won some battles recently in my life, but in executing his clever tactics, he exposed his strategy and, by God's grace, I have seen the weakness in it. Satan is a formidable foe, to be sure, and one that I cannot defeat in my own strength or cleverness. In Christ, however, I can see him overcome and overthrown in my life and seek the same in the lives of others.

I recognize that I did not go into specifics regarding what was revealed to me this evening. Over the coming weeks and months, I will be writing more about the things Christen and I had been thinking through prior to her passing. It was our hope to see these things come to pass in the next year or two. In God's providence, that timeline has been thrown off course. I believe this will only strengthen what will come next. Armed with greater understanding, I will begin to think through (again) what she and I were working on. You will begin to see more posts over the coming weeks and months regarding particular church-y buzz words like 'mission', 'community', 'discipleship', 'evangelism', and the like. In reengaging these topics, I believe I will be getting out of my fox-hole and joining in the on-going destruction of strongholds as Jesus builds His Church.

The Gift of Suffering: It's Good

I had the opportunity to speak to the young adult ministry at my church recently, and from the moment I was asked to speak, I felt very strongly to speak on suffering. Based on the response of that night and subsequent weeks as well as general observation, I believe this topic requires a more thorough examination. In the end, my hope is that you will see suffering the way God intends and the Bible describes: as a gift.


In the previous two posts in this series I made the following points: suffering is promised to the Christian and suffering is a means of grace for the Christian. I finished off last week's post with the following commentary on 1 Peter 4:19, specifically regarding the word entrust:

We can place our trust in God when suffering comes our way because of His sovereignty, His control over all situations. In other words, we trust God not only because we know He is good but also because we know His plans are good.


This week, with the knowledge that suffering is promised and is a means of grace, we will uncover the truth that, in fact, suffering is part of God's plan and is good for the Christian.


Before we can get there, though, it must be understood that there are two forces, two opposing purposes, at work when it comes to suffering. Satan, that prowling lion, has a purpose for suffering; God also has His purposes for suffering. Ultimately, because of God's omnipotent and sovereign reign over all things, including Satan, everything works together for His purposes. However, on the way, Satan seeks to disrupt what he can whenever he can. He comes to 'steal, kill, and destroy', and he is the 'father of lies'. That's a potent and deadly combination, and it is one that we cannot overlook or put off as hyper-spiritual.

In 1 Thessalonians 3:3-5, Paul writes of Satan's purposes in suffering:

...that no one be moved by these afflictions. For you yourselves know that we are destined for this. For when we were with you, we kept telling you beforehand that we were to suffer affliction, just as it has come to pass, and just as you know. For this reasons, when I could bear it no longer, I sent to learn about your faith, for fear that somehow the tempter has tempted you and our labor would be in vain (emphasis mine).


Note the key phrases highlighted in this passage: the 'afflictions' referred to were anticipated and taught about by Paul before they ever happened. Nonetheless, because of the ferocity of the suffering this group of churches faced, Paul was concerned that they would abandon their pursuit of Christ. Why? Because they were so surprised by the suffering? No, it would not appear that surprise was Paul's concern (like it was with Peter from the passage last week). Paul speaks specifically to Satan's attempt to tempt the believers.

This begs the question: Tempt them to do what? Admittedly, my answer will be speculative and likely incomplete in certain capacities. But I believe the temptation we face most when going through suffering is to doubt God. We doubt His plans. We doubt His control. We doubt His faithfulness. We doubt His trustworthiness. We doubt His goodness. With all of this doubt, unbelief begins to define us more than faith, and we lose all vision of the gospel and Jesus Christ.

Allow me to provide a bit of encouragement at this point for those who are right in the middle of this struggle: First, as we will see a little further down, God has His purposes for your suffering, too, and those purposes are far greater than what Satan can concoct. Second, though Satan will do what he can to destroy your faith, even he is bounded and limited by God in what he can do to you. This is plainly seen in Job 1:12: "And the Lord said to Satan, 'Behold, all that [Job] has is in your hand. Only against him do not stretch out your hand.' So Satan went out from the presence of the Lord." This post is not the place to get into the discussion of why or how Satan is able to get into the presence of the Lord; this is merely to point out that God sets the boundaries around what Satan can and cannot do. In other words, even in Satan's plans for our suffering, God is ultimately in control.

As mentioned, what is most encouraging is that God has a purpose for our suffering as well. In order to understand this, we will have to go on a short trek through a few passages in the New Testament. We will start in Hebrews 12:3-7, 11:

Consider him [referring to Jesus] who endured from sinners such hostility against himself, so that you may not grow weary or fainthearted. In your struggle against sin you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. And have you forgotten the exhortation that addressed you as sons? "My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, nor be weary when reproved by him. For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives (Pr.3:11,12)." It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline?...For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it (emphasis mine).


The first purpose God has for our suffering is that, as His children, He is training us in endurance. This is echoed in Romans 5:3, where we see that 'suffering produces endurance'. This training is part of our maturation as believers. If we are all honest with ourselves, the most valuable lessons, the lessons that really made us 'grow up', came through our hardest seasons. When life is going along smoothly, our tendency is not to press into God and pursue Him with desperation and reckless abandon. We usually only arrive there when we have nowhere else to go. This is part of God's discipline process for us. He wants to remind us that we must wholly lean on Him, and this means removing our false senses of security one by one. It is a painful process, but it is one that 'yields the fruit of righteousness' in us.

When we think of the word 'discipline', we most often think of 'correction', such as "My child came home four hours late, so I had to discipline him." Or, "That person has gone wild - they obviously weren't disciplined enough at home." However, there is another type of discipline which is more like 'diligent practice'. One does not simply walk up to a piano and play Bach or Beethoven. Hitting a curveball doesn't come naturally, much less pitching one. An Olympic gymnast works on the same routine for years in order to get it right the one time it counts most. Each of these requires hours upon hours of diligent practice. Blisters, bumps, bruises, callouses, frustrations, failures, and eventually, some successes. If you were to continue to read beyond verse 11 in this passage, you will see an exhortation from the author to live in a holy manner. How is this possible except by the power of God working in us to grow in the discipline of our faith through the endurance obtained in times of suffering?

As we see this process rightly, we realize that He does this because He loves us. He knows that the best thing for us is to trust in Him alone because He alone is fully faithful and trustworthy at all times. It is His fatherly love toward us, His children, that compels Him to discipline us. This discipline is manifested as suffering in our lives, but this suffering ultimately produces the endurance necessary to finish the race. C.S Lewis humorously puts it this way in A Mind Awake: "If you think of this world as a place intended simply for our happiness, you find it quite intolerable: think of it as a place of training and correction and it's not so bad."

2 Corinthians 1:3-7
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ's sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too. If we are afflicted, it is for your comfort and salvation; and if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which you experience when you patiently endure the same sufferings that we suffer. Our hope for you is unshaken, for we know that as you share in our sufferings, you will also share in our comfort.


The second purpose God has for our suffering is to comfort us and for us to bring comfort to others who are likewise suffering. The Holy Spirit is called the 'Comforter', and that is one of His ministries. He brings comfort and peace to us in our most trying times. And we can receive that comfort when we understand that God looks on us with adoration as His children. He delights in our delighting in Him, and He receives glory when we find comfort in His presence.

We are then to serve as examples of comfort to one another. As I go through suffering, I desire that you would see the reality of that suffering as well as the reality of God's comforting presence through it all. Then, when you go through suffering, you will know that God brings comfort because you saw it happen with me. You will not be so tempted to doubt because you have seen the goodness of God displayed to me. Further, since I have personally experienced this goodness, I come alongside you and tell you of His goodness, strengthening your faith all the more to endure the trial you are facing. And on it goes. Suffering is beneficial for both the individual and the Church.

We now see that, while Satan has his purposes for our suffering, God has His as well. This helps us understand that suffering is part of God's plan, but are His plans good (as in, not only 'for the greater good' but also 'good for me too')? Let's look at two passages from Romans, one giving us a direct answer to the question and the other telling us why.

Romans 12:2 (NIV)
Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - His good, pleasing, and perfect will.


For our purposes, the words 'will' and 'plans' are synonymous. Given this, there is not a lot of room for discussion on this point. God's will is good, pleasing, and perfect. That's an airtight argument if I've ever heard one. But, we are curious people, and taking something at face value is not something we are particularly comfortable with, generally speaking. In this case, while it is clear that God's plans are good, we may still be tempted to ask, 'How do we know they're good?' In His grace and mercy toward us, despite not having to explain Himself to anyone, God gives us the answer to this question. He's a loving Father, so He loves to instruct His children.

Romans 8:16-18
The Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs - heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, provided we suffer with him in order that we may also be glorified with him. For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us (emphasis mine).


The highlighted section is of utmost importance, especially the word provided and the clause in order that. The assumption is that, as children of God (and subsequently co-heirs with Christ), we will suffer with Him. The converse assumption must also be made because of the word provided - if we are/have not suffered with Christ, we must wonder if we are God's children. If that thought is frightening, then this would be a great moment to stop reading and ask God to search your heart, to repent, and to lay yourself at His mercy, allowing His grace and Christ's blood to wash over you and cleanse you from your sin and make you alive by His Spirit. Be Christ's!

The great news comes after the phrase in order that. It is here we see the why behind the suffering. Our suffering reveals that we are God's children, and as such it means that we have had Christ's righteousness imputed to us. This means that, when we stand before Him on that day, He sees Christ's blood over us, and He will pass over our iniquities and usher us into eternal rest, joy, and glory. Thus, suffering in Christ, which produces endurance through the disciplined training we receive at the hand of our Father, ultimately ends with our being glorified with Jesus for eternity.

Conclusion: Suffering is part of God's plan and is good for the Christian.

Next week: The Gift of Suffering: It's a Gift

The Gift of Suffering: It's Grace

I had the opportunity to speak to the young adult ministry at my church recently, and from the moment I was asked to speak, I felt very strongly to speak on suffering. Based on the response of that night and subsequent weeks as well as general observation, I believe this topic requires a more thorough examination. In the end, my hope is that you will see suffering the way God intends and the Bible describes: as a gift.


Last week I made the assertion that suffering is promised to the Christian. It is imperative at this juncture to state that I  firmly believe in the innate and immutable goodness of God. My conviction that the Bible is true and accurate (or, for the theologians, that I believe in the verbal plenary inspiration of the inerrant Bible) brings me to this conclusion. If I believed otherwise, and if this promise were the only truth associated with suffering, then it would be easy to make the argument that God, therefore, cannot be either good or loving. After all, if suffering is promised to His people, then why would anyone was to be His?

However, because He is good and loving - He is in reality all good and total love - we must come to a different conclusion about the promise of suffering. Therefore, to build off of the statement that suffering is a promise, we must next understand that suffering is a means of grace for the Christian. First, I will define what I mean by 'grace', and then we will open the Bible and see how suffering and the notion of God's grace come together.

Grace is often, and most simply, defined as 'God's unmerited favor' toward people and the world. It should be understood that everyone that has ever lived on the earth has been in some way under God's grace. For those who would deny the hope of Christ, the grace they receive extends no further than what is called 'common grace'. Jesus preached, in Matthew 5:45, that, "He makes his sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust." In other words, sun and rain, food and shelter, clothing and possessions, even life and breath, are all forms of common grace.

Common grace is to be differentiated from 'saving grace', or the grace of God being extended through Jesus by the power of the Holy Spirit to regenerate hearts, awaken faith, and bring about repentance and salvation through belief in Jesus as both Lord and Savior, the only way to God. Saving grace extends into many forms, such as justifying grace, sanctifying grace, persevering grace, and glorifying grace. For just about the best and most clear explanation of this whole concept of grace, both common and saving, watch, listen to, or read the sermon Pastor Mark Driscoll preached on this subject by clicking here.

Harper's Bible Dictionary states that grace is "the English translation of a Greek word meaning concretely ‘that which brings delight, joy, happiness, or good fortune (p.357).’" God has many ways that He bestows grace on His people. We most easily associate grace with pleasant occurrences, such as receiving an unexpected check in the mail, finding a good parking spot at the grocery store, or getting an encouraging phone call from a friend. We also see it in the bigger moments of life, like avoiding a terrible accident, recovering from a life-threatening illness, and, most importantly, being convicted of sin and turning to Jesus for salvation. We have a harder time seeing grace in the midst of difficult situations. And yet, biblically speaking, suffering is a means of God's grace in our lives. Given the definition of grace given at the beginning of this paragraph, let's look at a passage from 1 Peter to help us put it all together.

1 Peter 4:12-13, 19:

"Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice insofar as you share Christ's sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed...Therefore let those who suffer according to God's will entrust their souls to a faithful Creator while doing good."


I would be remiss if I didn't note that verse 12 is one of my favorite verses in the Bible, solely for the wording. While I fully believe in the Holy Spirit's divine inspiration of the Scriptures, it is obvious that the authors' personalities were allowed to come through - they weren't simply robots the Holy Spirit manipulated into writing. Peter was known for being a big mouth (Mt.16:22-23, 17:4-5), and while the Lord sanctified and empowered that mouth for His purposes, he still called it like he saw it (the sermon at Pentecost in Acts 2, for instance). Verse 12 reveals his personality in the phrase 'as though something strange were happening to you.'  Maybe it's just the way I hear it in my head, but it seems as though you can't read that without hearing a tone of, "Come on guys, we talked about this."

In this verse, not only is the promise of suffering reiterated, but how we should view that promise begins to come to light. Verse 13 begins with the word but, and that is very important. That little word tells us that what comes after it is in contrast, or opposed, to what came before it. Peter was writing to people who were obviously very troubled that they were being persecuted. Perhaps they didn't think they should be suffering. Perhaps their faith was wavering due to the frustration of facing trials day in and day out. Peter tells them here that this is to be expected. Further, he instructs them to undergo a 180 in their perspective; rather than being dismayed at facing suffering, they should instead rejoice in it. And here we see how grace and suffering meet.

Peter wasn't merely suggesting that his readers rejoice. For the grammarians, the phrase translated 'But rejoice' is a present active imperative. For everyone else, that means Peter is commanding an on-going rejoicing in the present suffering his readers were enduring. Thus, a translation of 'keep on rejoicing' could be rendered.

The question then is 'Why continually rejoice?' The answer is given immediately and in two parts. First, we rejoice because we are joining Christ in His sufferings which He endured for us. When we are counted worthy to follow Christ in anything, we ought to rejoice in it, even though it means following in suffering. And Peter was not speaking theoretically. He had endured much suffering and persecution and had walked away rejoicing for the very same reasons about which he wrote (Acts 5:40-41).

Second, when we share in His sufferings here, we know and have the fixed hope in the fact that we will conversely share in His joy when He returns in glory. Our hope in future grace is cause to rejoice now no matter the circumstances of the present. Therefore, suffering is a means of God's grace in the life of the Christian because we have the privilege of sharing both in Jesus's suffering and His joy.

Verse 19 sets up what we will discuss next week. The key word of the verse for us is entrust. It means that we can place our trust in God when suffering comes our way because of His sovereignty, His control over all situations. In other words, we trust God not only because we know He is good but also because we know His plans are good.

Next week: The Gift of Suffering: It's Good

The Gift of Suffering: It's Guaranteed

I had the opportunity to speak to the young adult ministry at my church recently, and from the moment I was asked to speak, I felt very strongly to speak on suffering. Based on the response of that night and subsequent weeks as well as general observation, I believe this topic requires a more thorough examination. In the end, my hope is that you will see suffering the way God intends and the Bible describes: as a gift.


I am going to tell you something up front: If you can get on board with what I'm going to say here, you can get on board with the subsequent posts. Truly, the other points I am going to make in the following weeks build off of this one. If what I write here isn't true, then the rest of what I write over the next 3-4 weeks is equally untrue and should be disregarded.

If what I write here is accurate and faithful to the main thrust of the Bible, specifically the New Testament, then it is at least a hard truth to swallow. It runs against human nature. It definitely runs against current societal norms. It even runs against competing and opposing theologies that exist in the Church worldwide. In other words, it isn't popular. And, if what I write ruffles your feathers, you can find plenty of pastors and 'theologians' who will disagree with me. They will make you feel better and remove that icky feeling you have when confronted with an ugly truth.

It is my hope that you will see with the same clarity what the New Testament says very plainly. If so, I believe you can walk down this road with me and find it more fulfilling than what either the world or the 'prosperity gospel' teaches.

Here's the truth: Suffering is promised to the Christian.


My guess is that some of you are thinking, "That's it? That's what all that build-up was for?" To those readers I would ask that you read the sentence again. All the multi-syllabic words are vital. First, suffering (see also trial, tribulation, and persecution) refers to any type of adverse affliction that affects the spiritual, emotional, mental, and/or physical life of a believer. I must point out that suffering as it is described in the Bible does not refer to the consequences from sin. The consequences from sin are primarily meant to bring about conviction, confession, and repentance. They are the natural outflow of sinful desires being imbibed. It is the law of sowing and reaping. Suffering, on the other hand, is most often brought to the believer, either directly by Satan himself, one of his minions, or through one of his servants (though they may not know they're one of his servants). Suffering takes the form of persecution of all kinds, martyrdom, mental disorder, disease, and grief, to name just a few.

John Piper, in his book Desiring God, illuminates this point as it pertains to the Christian:
"[Any] suffering that befell [Paul] while serving Christ was part of the 'cost' of discipleship...What turns sufferings into sufferings with and for Christ is not how intentional our enemies are, but how faithful we are. If we are Christ's, then what befalls us is for His glory and for our good, whether it is caused by enzymes or by enemies."

The most controversial segment in the truth above, that suffering is promised to the Christian, is the word promised. My impression is that many Christians (read: people who go to church) would be okay if I simply said, "Suffering is part of the life of a Christian." And that's true. Suffering isn't the whole of Christianity. Not at all! It is one part of the Christian life. However, if that is all the further we go with our understanding of suffering, we will likely decide that suffering, though part of the Christian life, is merely a small part of my Christian life. Others may suffer greatly, but not me. I'll probably only have to suffer a little.

What's fascinating to me is that this kind of thinking crosses the generational divide. On either side of the generational gap, there is built into the social zeitgeist an aversion to suffering. On one end of the spectrum are the Baby Boomers (yes, the Greatest Generation is still alive and kicking, but their numbers are diminishing with each year, and thus the Boomers are at the top). The Boomers solidified the modernist thinking and pragmatic ways of life whose foundations were built by the Greatest Generation. While they, at first, were known for 'rebellion', once they turned 30, they settled down, had families, made massive advances in technology, manufacturing, management philosophies, and so forth. When in doubt, they build a better system that will be more efficient so that everything can run smoothly and with little mess. On the other end are the Millennials, also known as my generation and younger (I'm 28, for those keeping track at home). We are known for postmodern thinking, existentialist philosophies to life, and each person doing what makes him/her feel happiest while allowing that same liberty to others. If something is deemed unsavory or overly challenging, it is most often avoided. We are more content to go after that which is easier, more available, and most pleasing at that moment. In between these two poles you have a myriad of combinations of each, and they all add up to a desire to avoid suffering whenever possible - either because suffering is messy and seemingly inefficient or because suffering is hard and not immediately pleasing.

Against this, we have the New Testament, wherein we see that suffering is promised in the normative life of the Christian. I will here only expound on three passages, starting with the most vague and moving to the most concrete. In the following weeks, I will continue to add to the cache of verses emanating from and implicated in this one truth. In addition, for the sake of your own personal study, I have placed a longer list of citations at the end of this post for your consideration. If nothing else, you will see the sheer weight of New Testament evidence, from which I am only pulling a few references (I grabbed several references from this message by Francis Chan.).

1 Corinthians 15:19
If in Christ we have hope in this life only, we are of all people most to be pitied.


I primarily have John Piper to thank for the formation of this thought. When you read that verse, the question that should come into our minds is, "Why?" Why pitied? Some would have us believe that, as Christians, the 'worst-case scenario' is that we live a good, moral life and then die. If nothing happens, as an atheist would have us believe, or if we are reincarnated as a Hindu would have us believe, then we are no more worse off because at least we lived a 'good' life. We were kind to the destitute; we gave to charity; we cleaned up the neighborhood park; we worked with abuse victims; we went to church, read our Bibles, prayed. And on and on. Is that kind of life that should be pitied?

John Piper writes about how this kind of life - a simply moral life - is well within reach. In referencing Paul's writing in this passage, Piper states, "He (Paul) means there is a normal, simple, comfortable, ordinary life of human delights that we may enjoy with no troubling thoughts of heaven or hell or sin or holiness or God."

We have to take a step back and look at Paul's life in order to understand why this would be true. He writes to the Corinthians in a subsequent letter, "Five times I received at the hands of the Jews the forty lashes less one. Three times I was beaten with rods. Once I was stoned. Three times I was shipwrecked; a night and a day I was adrift at sea; on frequent journeys, in danger from rivers, danger from robbers, danger from my own people, danger from Gentiles, danger in the city, danger in the wilderness, danger at sea, danger from false brothers; in toil and hardship, through many a sleepless night, in hunger and thirst, often without food, in cold and exposure. And, apart from other things, there is the daily pressure on me of my anxiety for all the churches (2 Co 11:24–28)."

Why pitied? Because along with the many blessings of following Christ, there is also suffering to endure. Paul is saying that, if living for Christ only matters here and there is no eternal reward, then Christians should be pitied - looked down upon - because their estate is, in fact pitiable. This may seem foreign in our society, though I would point out that it is becoming less and less that way. We must keep in mind that, beyond the context of the time (mass persecution of Christians was rampant in the early church), these men and women were living unabashedly for Christ. They talked about Him openly. They prayed together in homes and in public. They shared what they had with one another (Ac. 2:42-47). They lived in a way that displayed Christ all the time. Honestly, if you and I really, truly lived in a manner that was completely sold out to the cause of Christ, we would face derision from some friends, family members, and co-workers. We may not be physically persecuted in the United States (though it's certainly a possibility), but we would most assuredly be socially and emotionally persecuted at some levels.

Mark 10:29-30
Jesus said, "Truly, I say to you, there is no one who has left house or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or lands, for my sake and the gospel, who will not receive a hundredfold now in this time, houses and brothers and sisters and mothers and children and lands, with persecutions, and in the age to come eternal life (emphasis added)."


This is a 'here's what you're really signing up for' teaching from Jesus. When I was speaking to the young adults on this passage, I pointed out that really weak prosperity preachers will try to use this passage to show that God promised us wealth and possessions and great relationships here on earth. I say those preachers/teachers are weak because they have to totally omit the words 'with persecutions' in order for their point to stick.

What Jesus is saying here is that, while one must give up much, yea even everything, for Christ and the gospel, that person will receive back much with the addition of persecutions, culminating with eternal life in glory. When God saves us, we forsake our old desires and pick up new desires, His desires. We submit to His will for our lives. This sometimes means we lose relationships. It can mean giving up an extravagant lifestyle in order to adopt a child or support a missionary. It can mean giving our stuff to those less fortunate. It will mean sacrificing our time, talent, and treasure (thanks, Pastor Mark) in order to display the greatest treasure, Jesus Christ. Alongside this sacrifice, we see much gain, namely the fellowship of the Body of Christ and, ultimately, spending eternity with Jesus.

We also gain something else: persecutions. Living for Jesus and the gospel will bring all the rewards listed above. It will also bring persecutions and suffering. Thus, when Jesus promises the abundant life found in Him (John 10:10), suffering is part of it.

2 Timothy 3:12
Indeed, all who desire to live a godly life in Christ Jesus will be persecuted.


Um...do I need to comment on that?

I will only add here a (somewhat) humerous quote from C.S. Lewis's The Problem of Pain: "The real problem is not why some humble, pious, believing people suffer, but why some do not (p.104)."

The biblical evidence is quite clear at this point: Suffering is promised to the Christian.

Next week: The Gift of Suffering: It's Grace


Further New Testament verses on suffering for your consideration:

Matthew 10:24-25, 34-39          Mark 8:34-35
Luke 6:22-23                             John 15:18-20
Acts 5:27-42                              Romans 8:16-18
1 Corinthians 4:10-13                 2 Corinthians 1:3-7
Galatians 6:12                             Ephesians 6:11-12
Philippians 1:29                          Colossians 1:24
1 Thessalonians 3:3-5                 2 Thessalonians 1:5
2 Timothy 1:8; 2:3; 3:12; 4:5       Philemon 9
Hebrews 12:3-7; 13:12-13         James 1:2-4
1 Peter 4:12-19                          2 Peter 2:1-3
1 John 2:26                                2 John 7
3 John 9-10                                Jude 4
Revelation 1:9

The Gift of Suffering: Introduction

I had the opportunity to speak to the young adult ministry at my church recently, and from the moment I was asked to speak, I felt very strongly to speak on suffering. Based on the response of that night and subsequent weeks as well as general observation, I believe this topic requires a more thorough examination. Therefore, I am going to spend the next 4-5 Theology Thursdays covering suffering. In the end, my hope is that you will see suffering the way God intends and the Bible describes: as a gift.


Over the next few weeks, I will be taking a walk through the New Testament to cover the key points in understanding a biblical view of suffering. This series of studies is not meant to be comprehensive in nature; I won't be covering every verse on suffering in the New Testament. Rather, I want anyone reading to see how the Bible reveals that suffering is a gift given from God designed to enhance our delight in Him and advance the gospel to the world.

To begin, however, let's look at a passage from the Psalter which will help us establish a framework for understanding where these next weeks will take us.

Psalm 66:8-12
8  Bless our God, O peoples;
      let the sound of his praise be heard,
9  who has kept our soul among the living
      and has not let our feet slip.
10 For you, O God, have tested us;
      you have tried us as silver is tried.
11 You brought us into the net;
      you laid a crushing burden on our backs;
12 you let men ride over our heads;
       we went through fire and through water;
     yet you have brought us out to a place of abundance.


The opening lines of this passage (vv.8-9) indicate a worship-filled faith in the God of the universe, the One who loves all the peoples. We see God as sovereign, sustaining His people and keeping them securely within His grasp. The person writing this truly loves God and desires to see His name made great in the earth. Next week, we will see that suffering is promised to the believer. Note that phrase - to the believer - because the first key point is that suffering for the believer involves a mindset that is wholly different than that of the general population. Therefore, to grasp biblical suffering, one must first grasp Jesus.

The next section (v.10) deals with the fact that suffering is a test given to us by God. It is meant to test, or refine, our faith. God does not allow suffering for the sake of punishment; He allows it for the sake of development. Therefore, suffering is a means of grace in the life of the believer. God deals with us as His children, and as such He does not let us just meander about this life with no direction, training, or exercise for the sake of honing our faith.

Too often, suffering is viewed as corrective discipline rather than as developmental discipline. It is like saying getting grounded because you arrived home after curfew is the same as playing Rachmaninov after years of rehearsal on the piano. Consequences to sin and the conviction brought by the Holy Spirit is not the same as biblical suffering. Biblical suffering is given room to operate by God so that our faith in His goodness and love can be strengthened and we can honor Him more for how He reveals Himself to us during those times. Thus, it is His grace toward us that we should suffer.

If suffering is truly grace from God, then two conclusions must be drawn. First, it is part of His sovereign plan for our lives that we should suffer in particular ways (v.11). Second, He intends that we lean on Him so that He may carry us through (v.12b,c). In so doing, we see that, since suffering is both promised and part of grace, it is part of God's plan, and therefore it is good.

Finally, with the assertion made that biblical suffering is good, the passage above concludes with an eventual deliverance into 'abundance' (v.12c). In other words, suffering for Christ not only rewards the Christian, it is a reward, a gift, to suffer as Christ suffered and to be counted worthy to do so as His adopted sons and daughters.

This is the journey we will take over the next few weeks as we go into the New Testament to see what the authors there say about each of these points. The discussion here is merely a primer, a road map, so that you will know where we are headed. The coming weeks will, hopefully, bring clarity where there may be questions. If you are going through suffering right now, please continue to read these posts as I believe God is going to surprise you with joy in the midst of your suffering as you see how He sees your suffering and, more importantly, how He sees you.

Next week: The Gift of Suffering: It's Guaranteed

Rounding the Next Corner

If there is one thing I am learning/have learned during this grief process, it is that God will help me go through it. But, He is faithful to make sure I go through it - not around it, over it, bypassing it, skipping it, or anything of the sort.

Last week I had the privilege of speaking to the young adults ministry at my church. It was a great night of fellowship, worship, and the Word. I spoke on 'the gift of suffering', pulling from several passages in the New Testament which culminate in Philippians 1:29 ('for it has been granted to you...to suffer'). As an illustration to how God has been near to me during this time of personal suffering, I explained the sense I have had when the Lord pulls back what Christen referred to as 'the crisis covering' - that extra grace He gives to help us through the worst of the worst of times. Essentially, when that covering has been pulled back a bit, the first thing I see is Jesus staring me in the face, saying, "I'm right here, now let's go face this thing," and then I see the next piece of the process through which I am to work.

The covering has been pulled back again, and the way Jesus manifested Himself was through a couple of well-loved and trusted individuals in my life pointing to the reality that I now must face more fully. These two brothers helped me to see a truth I had been avoiding - things really are different now.

From the time of Christen's passing, I have done my best to reestablish our family routines to the best of my ability. I am back at work, the kids are being taken care of at home by a cache of loving and selfless volunteers, we are doing Friday pizza/movie night, Saturday Family Breakfast at Starbucks, church on Sunday and Prayer Meeting on Tuesday. All the things we used to do. Only now, without Christen.

And therein lies the issue. I have attempted to recreate our family minus one essential element, and I have found that without that element all the traditions and rituals ring out slightly off-pitch. The fact, and the reality I have to face, is that things - really everything - are different. Totally. Irrefutably. Irreversibly. Different.

There is a corner up ahead that I am going to have to round if my family is ever going to properly move through our grief. It is the kind of corner that one does not circle back to once the turn has been made. It's the corner that says, "She's really gone; she isn't coming back. You must continue, and you must bear this well for your own sake, for your children, and for those who will come after you." Thankfully, as I hear the Lord say this to me, He follows it up with, "And I'll be with you every step of the way. Now let's get going."

A (Re)New(ed) Mission

The following Scripture is where my heart is right now. It's a longer passage than one would normally post in a blog, but I hope you'll stick with it. It's the Bible, after all.

Philippians 1:18c-30
Yes, and I will rejoice, for I know that through your prayers and the help of the Spirit of Jesus Christ this will turn out for my deliverance, as it is my eager expectation and hope that I will not be at all ashamed, but that with full courage now as always Christ will be honored in my body, whether by life or by death. For to me, to live is Christ, and to die is gain. If I am to live in the flesh, that means fruitful labor for me. Yet which I shall choose I cannot tell. I am hard pressed between the two. My desire is to depart and be with Christ, for that is far better. But to remain in the flesh is more necessary on your account. Convinced of this, I know that I will remain and continue with you all, for your progress and joy in the faith, so that in me you may have ample cause to glory in Christ Jesus, because of my coming to you again.
Only let your manner of life be worthy of the gospel of Christ, so that whether I come and see you or am absent, I may hear of you that you are standing firm in one spirit, with one mind striving side by side for the faith of the gospel, and not frightened in anything by your opponents. This is a clear sign to them of their destruction, but of your salvation, and that from God. For it has been granted to you that for the sake of Christ you should not only believe in him but also suffer for his sake, engaged in the same conflict that you saw I had and now hear that I still have.


Let me make two preliminary statements: 1) No, I am not suicidal. In relating to this verse very closely, I am not 'wishing for death'. I am, however, wishing to be with Christ. And that's a big difference. 2) I do not think so highly of myself as to believe I'm at the same place Paul was in his life as he was writing to the church at Philippi.

I read this passage this evening just prior to the start of Prayer Meeting at the Chicago Tabernacle, and it stuck with me all night. I kept going back to it throughout the service, reading and rereading what Paul had written. The Lord communicated something very clearly to me toward the end of the service, and I pulled out my journal and wrote the following:


What is my mission if not to lay my life down for the Body, to sacrifice myself for the Church, to labor for the lost, to challenge and exhort and teach and rebuke and encourage those who have ears to hear? Is it (my life) not meant for these things? Who am I to anchor my life in the harbor of complacency? No, I am meant for stormy seas, unfettered and free.

While it is my desire to see Christen again in Heaven, my primary hope is to see Jesus. The Lord took Christen and not me, which means I am here for some purpose. As I wrote about yesterday, that purpose is this process. He has me here for this reason. And while His reasoning and plan is for my ultimate good, I also recognize that it is not solely for my good. It is for yours as well. My stormy seas are meant to be put on display so that you would be encouraged in your stormy seas - encouraged to know that my life is not one of 'exceptional faith', just biblical faith. I am, by all stretches of the imagination, a regular person. With a regular job, a regular home full of regular furniture, eating regular food purchased from a regular (sometimes meager) bank account.

Do you see it yet as I see it? The Lord has not taken me because He has me here to share with you my sufferings, thereby emboldening your faith.

Perhaps you're reading this and you are not what you would call a 'born again Christian'. Perhaps what I write here, while 'inspiring', doesn't really make a whole lot of sense to you. Please understand that, without the grace of God in the person of Jesus and the power of the Holy Spirit, I would be a mess right now. It is because of Jesus that I have hope. He came, fulfilled prophecy, lived a perfect life, died an undeserved death, rose from that death in power, thus defeating Satan, sin and death, took on your sin (imperfections) and my sin for Himself and gives out His righteousness to those who would believe. In so doing, He has made available eternal life in Heaven with Him for those who would turn from their sin, repent, believe in Him, and love Him and others by His grace. If you're reading this and you don't know Jesus, that's who He is and what He's done for you. Accept it. Accept Him. And see if He won't fill your life as abundantly as He has mine.

For those who do know and love Jesus, I am here for you. As Paul wrote, I would much rather be with Jesus. That's where the 'gain' is. But I am here to encourage you and build you up. I am here to challenge you if you get complacent. I am here to redirect you when your thinking is off. I am here for you.

When I first wrote my mission statement nearly 4 years ago, I liked the way it sounded. It resonated with the type of person I wanted to be. I now realize how true the statement is to what God has called me to be. My mission is this: To be joyfully spent making others glad in God. I will work to this end, by God's grace, until He sees fit to fulfill my deepest desire - going Home and meeting Him.

The Process is the Purpose

We have all heard it said: "There's a purpose in the process." It is meant as a statement of comfort. We can know that, no matter how challenging some situations are, we will be able to look back and know that we 'learned something'. "Hindsight is 20/20," is commonly used in conjunction with this idea. All of this feels good to us. We know that, in the end, 'it'll all work out'. Are you tired of the cliche phrases yet?

Christen flipped this whole notion on its head one day as we were talking. I don't know if this idea originated with her, but she's who I heard it from first. She said, "The process is the purpose." That's a much more truthful and much less comfortable way of looking at life. And yet, it is also the most biblical.

You see, when you spend your time thinking about what 'purpose' there is in your current 'process', you miss what's happening at the moment for the sake of contemplating what the results of the process will be. You become destination-minded. You're always wondering about 'arriving' and 'getting there', not realizing that there is no 'there' at which to 'arrive'.

The danger in this type of thinking is that you miss all that God has for you now. The focus is past and future, not present. You focus on the past because you're realizing all the things God did in and for you in a previous season, and you focus on the future because you can't wait to look back on the season you're in now to see what you can learn. In the meantime, you completely skip everything that's actually happening in real time.

OR

You can change your focus to precisely where God has you now, and you can begin to enjoy the situations in which you find yourself because you trust in the One working out the process. It is at this moment that your eyes are finally and truly open to what God is doing in you. This is sanctification.

I am in a process right now, a process that is at once excruciating, beautiful, trying, encouraging, intimate, lonely, powerful, and humbling. In a word, it's hard. By recognizing that God has so much for me now, at this moment and not just the moments 'down the road', I have been able to sense a nearness to God that I would have missed had I been only past and future focused. God wants me to know the immensity of His plan, and so He sends me stories from strangers every day - people I have never met telling me how Christen's blog or my blog or the funeral message of my Facebook posts have encouraged them, built them up, brought them to salvation, and transformed their lives. Every day. I rejoice in that.

At the same time, He has given me the grace to weep bitterly over my feelings of loss and loneliness, and in those moments He has drawn close like the loving Father He is. When I pray, He answers immediately and undoubtedly. I ask for grace to get through a day, and it is provided. I ask Him to help me understand, and He brings understanding through a story or His Word or through the comfort of His voice. He reassures me that He is in control, that He has not been caught off guard, that He weeps with me while simultaneously rejoicing with Christen. He is sweet and uncompromising. I have had the privilege of experiencing this because I learned from Christen that, for me, the process is the purpose. I'll know I've 'arrived', that I'm 'there', when I like Christen hear, "Well done."

First Love

Revelation 2:4-5
But I have this against you, that you have abandoned the love you had at first. Remember therefore from where you have fallen; repent, and do the works you did at first. If not, I will come to you and remove your lampstand from its place, unless you repent.


Luke 14:25-27
Now great crowds accompanied him, and he turned and said to them, "If anyone comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple. Whoever does not bear his own cross and come after me cannot be my disciple."

Do you really love God more than anyone else?

I have had to ask myself that question a lot of late. I have sometimes had it pop up out of nowhere, a prompting from the Lord to examine myself perhaps. Other times I have had to deliberately ask it, like David opening himself up to the examination of the Lord ('search my heart, O God'). Either way, I can now never simply answer it out of hand. I must truly look in my heart, expose myself to the Lord, and reveal with whom my love dwells.

We have all been there, facing this question. A preacher or pastor will rhetorically ask the question, and the assumed answer is: Yes! Emphatically, we feel in our hearts that this is the answer. But what if we treat the question like a real question. Like a question that requires an deep answer. Not a simple answer, but one that we have thought through and meditated on, prayed over and asked God for help. We always talk about 'putting God first' and that He takes 'top priority', but is that practically, actually true?

My hope is that no one has to work out this question in the same way that I'm having to work it out. Nonetheless, I would be naive if I didn't believe some people will have to answer it in the midst of the most challenging of circumstances. My recommendation? Work this out now, know that you know where your priorities are, and when crisis strikes, as it will from time to time, you will be able to face it with truth rather than the hurricane of emotion that inevitably follows. Find verses that you cling to, the statements and promises from the Word that give you the clearest indication of who God is and who are you in Him. These are the truths that will sustain you in the hardest of times.

For me, the following have helped, and I offer them to you not as a one-size-fits-all solution but rather as an example of how one man has found solace through the Word:

2 Corinthians 5:21
For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.

Psalm 16
Dwelling in joy

Psalm 18
The reaction of the Lord to an emergency need of one of His children

Psalm 23
He brings peace when one could feel surrounded by enemies

Philippians 2:1-11
The humility of Christ

Colossians 1:15-23
The preeminence of and reconciliation to Christ

This has been my constant refuge in this time. Certainly, I have had crisis moments. In those moments, however, I have asked and re-asked, "Do I love God more than anything or anyone else?" Yet I look to the Scriptures, and I see who God is, and I experience His nearness, and I realize that only He could provide such peace. And so I say, "Yes, Lord, I do love You more than anyone else."

On Grieving and the Sovereignty of God Part 2

In part 1 of this entry, I concluded that God's work in me through this time of grief is part of His sanctifying work in my life. I want to continue this discussion and take it from personal for me to applicable for others. Specifically, it must be understood that God can and should be trusted during the hardest of times solely because of who He is: good, loving, compassionate, gracious, merciful, just, holy, righteous, and sovereign. The emphasis here is on God's goodness and sovereignty in the midst of seemingly 'bad' and 'confusing' situations.

Dear reader, God does not lose control of situations, yours or mine. He is not caught off guard. Too often those who profess to know and love God struggle with this fact. If He is sovereign, by definition He is not waiting on us to do something before He has a plan. He has a plan. Let me emphasize: He has a plan. Not many plans. Not items at a buffet from which we pick and choose, and then He says, "Oh ok, I see you've selected that. I guess now I have to..." This thinking is a few short steps to full-on Open Theism - there is a God, but He's effectively as dependent on us as we are on Him.
When faced with grief or suffering or hard circumstances, we begin to ask a lot of questions. We wonder what has happened or why or who did what to deserve this (see John 9). I think of Job. After going through tremendous suffering and persecution, he attempts to answer some of his friends with his own justifications and rationalizations of why his life has turned out the way it did (ch.29-31). The problem is, in reality, Job did not know what he was talking about, and God let him know this in no uncertain terms (ch.38-41).
God's goodness in the midst of His sovereignty demands that we see Him differently, that we focus more on His character than on our immediate situation. In A Grief Observed, C.S. Lewis writes the following (p.69):


When I lay these questions before God I get no answer. But a rather special sort of 'No Answer.' It is not the locked door. It is more like a silent, certainly not uncompassionate, gaze. As though He shook His head not in refusal but waiving the question. Like, 'Peace, child; you don't understand.'
Can a mortal ask questions which God finds unanswerable? Quite easily, I should think. All nonsense questions are unanswerable. How many hours are there in a mile? Is yellow square or round? Probably half the questions we ask - half our great theological and metaphysical problems - are like that.


Rather than questioning God's intentions, petition Him to reveal His character in the situation. "Lord, help me see your goodness in this." "Father, show me Your love through my trials." "Holy Spirit, be my Comforter." This honors Him and benefits you as you 'meet trials of various kinds.' Then, request that He use what you have learned about Him to encourage not only yourself but also the people with whom you interact. You will be blessed, others will likewise be blessed (thus doubling your own blessing), and God the Father in Christ through the Holy Spirit will receive all the glory.

On Grieving and the Sovereignty of God Part 1

Christen wrote this passage in a journal of hers during her own period of grief after our miscarriage. She writes:


My experience with grieving is far from extensive, and I know many others have been through far worse loss than I. However, I do believe that most people miss a rich lesson and intimate moments with our Lord. I once read that a crisis doesn't make you or break you, it simply reveals you. I disagree to an extent. Based on my understanding, to merely get through the grief and move on is to lose a powerful opportunity to be molded, loved, restored, and strengthened. In the moment of a shattered dream, you have a choice to say, "The Lord will use this for someone in the future," or, " [I] trust that He will us it right now for [my] life."


She and I had the opportunity to talk much about how she was processing her own grieving during that time. You see, her grief was tangible. She felt the attachment. This would have been our 3rd child, and so she knew all the feelings she was feeling, what they meant, and what that meant for the baby. The above journal entry came about as we spoke about her feelings with respect to the Lord's nearness. For her, He was so near that it was practically overwhelming for her. Comforting, to be sure, but overwhelming all the same.
We spoke frequently during this time about the depth her relationship with Christ was going because of the suffering she was enduring. She experienced His peace and strength in an entirely new way. She would often say that she would never have known how deep the Lord's peace could be if she had not gone through that season.
When I think about this and read her words, I realize that God is doing something very similar in me at this time. People have said, over and over, they are amazed by 'my' strength. I can only say that it is not mine. Paul writes that it is in our weakness that God's strength is most manifest (2 Co.12:9-10). Note that this is not referring to areas of one's life that could use improvement (weaknesses), as though other areas are doing fine (strengths). It is referring to a state of being. We are weak people, broken vessels. And it is when we recognize this truth and humbly come to Christ that we see His strength enabling us (Phil.4:13).
What I see the Lord working in me is peace and a type of comfort, yet also discontentment. Peace over this situation, comfort in the sense of knowing His purposes are good, discontentment with settling in and getting comfortable. I pray to never arrive at 'comfortable'. I want a holy discomfort with the state of myself, my church, my city. Because I want to see it all transformed by Jesus. Transformation is destructive and terribly beautiful. Thus, God's work in me is not 'only beginning' nor is it 'almost finished.' It is ongoing. This is sanctification. Glory to glory and strength to strength.

January 20, 2012 (Part 2)

I have sometimes wondered whether my marriage, and more specifically Christen, has/had become an idol for me. I sought her joy and happiness, desired her favor and love, lived for her approval, and found union with her most pleasing. I also may be overthinking, something she checked for me, and this may simply be part of my grief. I talked with God today, and the thrust was not "Give her back" so much as "Why did You take her now and not 20 years from now?" It's a selfish line of thought, focused primarily on my interests and secondarily on the kids', but it was what welled up from inside after reading through her journals of our pre-engagement and engagement time...
It was 1 week ago that I preached her funeral (2 weeks presently). Today has been the hardest day since leaving the hospital. I'm unsure of so much right now. I don't want to go anywhere or see anyone, but I also just want to get out and be with people. One part wants to just sit and ruminate on everything the she was and we were; the other part wants to shut all that down and do other things so as to not think about her. When I have silence, I think of her. That makes me simultaneously want more silence and noise.

January 20, 2012 (Part 1)

It's a really snowy day in Chicago. I've been with the kids by myself all morning for what might be the first time ever. And it didn't go well. The biggest problem is that I can't seem to muster up the energy to play and laugh and have fun. Those things have become foreign to me somehow. I laughed and played with Christen all the time. I just haven't transferred that to the kids. Instead, I'm setting expectations and making demands and generally lacking all the grace Christen continually displayed.
Christen always handled these times far better. She had a way of redirecting the kids without always having to be stern. She had her moments of frustration and lost temper, certainly. But she was mostly so even with them. I feel like some sort of roller coaster wrecking ball, correcting first and teaching later. It's a rough dynamic right now.
Add to this my growing sense of loss. I've lost my best friend, my lover, my conversation partner, my helper, my ministry cooperator. She filled in my empty spaces, which are many, and now that's all I see. I had a dream about her last night... But I woke up. And it wasn't real, and nothing compares to reality. [C.S] Lewis talks about this truth in A Grief Observed, the truth that my recollections of Christen are invariably tampered with by my own self. I put my own twists on what was her in reality, twists that can only be corrected by the real Christen (and thus, can never be corrected anymore). I see this already happening, and it increases my sadness...

January 19, 2012

Christen's last words, at least the last words I was present for, were "I love you", directed at me after we'd kissed prior to her entering the O.R. I realize that she was awake and responsive at some point after the biopsy, enough so to say her name and correct someone for saying it incorrectly. I saw none of this, and my bet is that, were we able to ask her, she would not recollect those moments either. Therefore, the last words she consciously spoke were of love for me. This both warms and saddens my heart.
Audrey cried tonight for the first time in front of me specifically because of losing Mommy. She's been putting on a good face and trying to support me (she's 5!), but she finally let it out. We talked about what we miss, what she's doing, and hoped for Jesus to come back tomorrow.

January 17, 2012

I don't sleep well right now. I'm trying to run my brain into the ground before my head touches the pillow. Trouble is, that's always after midnight, Hudson crawls in sometime shortly after that, and both kids want to be up by 7:30am at the latest. I'm right now fighting my cold and Hudson's, Audrey having just come through it. I'm also trying to make sure my kids will be taken care of 12 hours/day, Monday-Friday, until I can figure out a way to effectively work from home (all while providing for my family and paying down medical costs). I have tons of available help, so I'm not complaining. I just loved having Christen doing those things and filling those roles. At the end of the day, even as I fill all the "needs", my kids are motherless, and I've lost "my lover and my friend" (SoS 5:16).
That being said, I preached Christen's funeral. Spoke on Rom.5:1-5... I'm planning to post it to YouTube and email the story and link to Mark Driscoll (whose messages on marriage most powerfully impacted the final two years Christen and I had together and ultimately led to our conversation of my prayer to outlive her and preach her funeral...just didn't realize it'd be so soon and also my first sermon). I want to see this get big. Why? Because Christen was the most amazing person I've ever known, and I'd like to introduce both her and Jesus to as many people as I can. I'll speak anywhere, publish anything, so that the gospel and the glory of God will impact people. These were Christen's themes, and they're what we talked about most. God's glory being magnified through this is what I'm after. I can think of no better way to honor Him, her, or provide for my family. I'm not eager to grieve, but I am eager to see God work in and through this. And me.

Picking Up Where I Left Off

The following article is a collection of excerpts from my journal. I began writing in it not only as a way to begin processing my grief but also as a means of emptying my mind of all the thoughts that were swirling around. I am publishing these pieces in a mini-series at first, in order to catch up, and then continue as appropriate interspersed with other writings. I desire that people know what faith-filled grief can look like for someone in the very early stages and how it progresses over time. Honestly, this is one way in which I am accepting accountability for going through what the next days will bring. I recently told someone that, were it not for grace, I would have quit my job, moved back with my parents, made them raise my kids, and mope about the house all day. Instead, because of grace, I will be returning to work, raising my kids (with lots of help), and laboring to see faith birthed in my kids and many others in the process.


January 11, 2012
Christen passed away two days ago. On Wednesday, January 4, we went in for her MRI...Christen would tell me later that she really didn't expect the MRI to show anything. Neither did I...
The last few days have been filled with more details and questions than I would have thought possible. Services, memorial funds, flowers, burial plots, music, clothes, food, people, people, people...I knew going in that I wouldn't really get to mourn for a few weeks...
The days since the biopsy have been the loneliest days I have ever felt. I'm surrounded by great people: family, friends, loved ones, even strangers. Literally, thousands of people from all over the world have prayed for Christen, me, and the kids. It's amazing, yet I feel so distant from all of that. There is a massive emptiness that I feel inside. She was my best friend and, more than that, a very literal part of me. We spoke often of how "one" we were, how we didn't think of each other in individual terms but rather as one, cohesive unit...
In the days and weeks to come, my loneliness will likely increase as I slowly learn to fill it with more of Christ. I will fight to preserve her memory through storytelling and story-gathering, and I will work all the more for the furtherance of the gospel and the well-being of the Church.
I miss her so much.