Rejoicing in the Wife of My Youth

Today is Christen's birthday. She would have been 30, and in her typical, buck-the-trend attitude, she had looked forward to turning 30 since she was 28. As her husband, I would like to take a moment to honor her on this day.

Christen and I got married at 23 and 22, respectively. The joke around our church, and to each other, was that we might as well have gotten married when we were 12 for all we knew. Our pre-marriage relationship was interesting, in a word. It was on and off, on and off, then on-engaged-married. We dated from a distance, focusing on phone communication to build our relationship. There was relatively little face-to-face interaction. From that, by the grace of God, we just knew we were for each other.

Our married life was marked by conversation. Perpetual. Conversation. Between texts, emails, phone calls, time together in the mornings and evenings, stolen moments at church, dates, and on and on, we just kept talking to one another. This was made possible by her infinite patience with my verbal processing and her ability to go with me in thought and application. In truth, she was always better at taking what I was working out in the abstract and making it tangible, putting skin on it and feet to it. In that way, she held me accountable to my ideas and helped me walk them out in real life. Yet she did this with such a grace that I never felt insecure about it. Rather, she could encourage me, hold me accountable, and make me feel respected all at once. This combination made me a better man, far better than I would have been on my own. Her words made me think, her actions made me bold, and her grace in both made me intoxicated.

Christen made life real. She was profound in her simplicity. She opened herself up for the world to see, blemishes and all. She wanted everyone to know that there was nothing special about her but that Jesus in her  working through her was very special. So she opened our home to anyone willing to risk coming in and hanging out with two small children while being put to work. Amazingly, single women were always around. They came, they asked questions, they listened, they were impacted. Christen's mark on their lives can be seen, literally, all over the country.

Christen loved the truth. Specifically, she loved the Truth of the Bible. She loved reading the Word, gaining new and fresh understanding, and passing that on to others. As her husband, I had the privilege of watching and processing with her what she was learning. As each day, week, month, and year passed, her grasp of who the Lord is grew in depth and intimacy. Yet she knew there was always more to glean, greater truths to mine from the Scriptures.

She also loved telling the truth. She chose to be transparent where others would naturally tend toward privacy. She wanted people to know that life is not always pretty, that relationships can be messy, that raising children is hard, that cultivating a loving marriage takes work, that growing in Christ takes death to self - and that all of that is worth it when compared to the blessings in Christ both here on earth and in heaven. I loved the fact that, when someone would ask her a question, I knew she would give them exactly what she thought about it, even if it meant throwing herself under the bus. And that's why people continually came to her. They knew they'd get the truth.

Christen was a wonderful mother. She loved Audrey and Hudson. She did not have the easiest transition into being a mom, but in her constant pursuit of truth, she discovered the great nobility of being a stay-at-home-mom, realizing that her greatest ministry investments came in that space - as a wife and mother. Did she do a lot of other ministry for a lot of other people? Of course - see above. But her homeward orientation led her into a strength that I don't know she ever fully realized she had. She found a way to balance grace and discipline, helping our kids understand that obedience is not about following rules but about an outpouring of love for God. She understood that raising our children is part of 'making disciples' as Jesus commands. And she took that very seriously. She also just plain loved on them, cuddling each of them every chance she got, and telling them how much she loved them and appreciated who they were and how honored she was to be their mommy. This has stuck with our kids.

Christen was my 'lover and my friend' (SoS 5:16). She was my best friend; we were surely one flesh. She has been described as the Proverbs 31 woman. I agree with that, and when I think of that woman laughing at the future, I think of Christen busting out that full-of-joy, explosive, Julia Roberts laugh. She did, in fact, do good for me all the days of our life together. Because of her steadfastness, patience, grace, and love for me, I have been able to stand confidently 'at the gates' as a man and a husband and a father. I can truly say,

"Many women have done excellently, but she surpasses them all."

The Gift of Suffering: It's Good

I had the opportunity to speak to the young adult ministry at my church recently, and from the moment I was asked to speak, I felt very strongly to speak on suffering. Based on the response of that night and subsequent weeks as well as general observation, I believe this topic requires a more thorough examination. In the end, my hope is that you will see suffering the way God intends and the Bible describes: as a gift.


In the previous two posts in this series I made the following points: suffering is promised to the Christian and suffering is a means of grace for the Christian. I finished off last week's post with the following commentary on 1 Peter 4:19, specifically regarding the word entrust:

We can place our trust in God when suffering comes our way because of His sovereignty, His control over all situations. In other words, we trust God not only because we know He is good but also because we know His plans are good.


This week, with the knowledge that suffering is promised and is a means of grace, we will uncover the truth that, in fact, suffering is part of God's plan and is good for the Christian.


Before we can get there, though, it must be understood that there are two forces, two opposing purposes, at work when it comes to suffering. Satan, that prowling lion, has a purpose for suffering; God also has His purposes for suffering. Ultimately, because of God's omnipotent and sovereign reign over all things, including Satan, everything works together for His purposes. However, on the way, Satan seeks to disrupt what he can whenever he can. He comes to 'steal, kill, and destroy', and he is the 'father of lies'. That's a potent and deadly combination, and it is one that we cannot overlook or put off as hyper-spiritual.

In 1 Thessalonians 3:3-5, Paul writes of Satan's purposes in suffering:

...that no one be moved by these afflictions. For you yourselves know that we are destined for this. For when we were with you, we kept telling you beforehand that we were to suffer affliction, just as it has come to pass, and just as you know. For this reasons, when I could bear it no longer, I sent to learn about your faith, for fear that somehow the tempter has tempted you and our labor would be in vain (emphasis mine).


Note the key phrases highlighted in this passage: the 'afflictions' referred to were anticipated and taught about by Paul before they ever happened. Nonetheless, because of the ferocity of the suffering this group of churches faced, Paul was concerned that they would abandon their pursuit of Christ. Why? Because they were so surprised by the suffering? No, it would not appear that surprise was Paul's concern (like it was with Peter from the passage last week). Paul speaks specifically to Satan's attempt to tempt the believers.

This begs the question: Tempt them to do what? Admittedly, my answer will be speculative and likely incomplete in certain capacities. But I believe the temptation we face most when going through suffering is to doubt God. We doubt His plans. We doubt His control. We doubt His faithfulness. We doubt His trustworthiness. We doubt His goodness. With all of this doubt, unbelief begins to define us more than faith, and we lose all vision of the gospel and Jesus Christ.

Allow me to provide a bit of encouragement at this point for those who are right in the middle of this struggle: First, as we will see a little further down, God has His purposes for your suffering, too, and those purposes are far greater than what Satan can concoct. Second, though Satan will do what he can to destroy your faith, even he is bounded and limited by God in what he can do to you. This is plainly seen in Job 1:12: "And the Lord said to Satan, 'Behold, all that [Job] has is in your hand. Only against him do not stretch out your hand.' So Satan went out from the presence of the Lord." This post is not the place to get into the discussion of why or how Satan is able to get into the presence of the Lord; this is merely to point out that God sets the boundaries around what Satan can and cannot do. In other words, even in Satan's plans for our suffering, God is ultimately in control.

As mentioned, what is most encouraging is that God has a purpose for our suffering as well. In order to understand this, we will have to go on a short trek through a few passages in the New Testament. We will start in Hebrews 12:3-7, 11:

Consider him [referring to Jesus] who endured from sinners such hostility against himself, so that you may not grow weary or fainthearted. In your struggle against sin you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. And have you forgotten the exhortation that addressed you as sons? "My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, nor be weary when reproved by him. For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives (Pr.3:11,12)." It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline?...For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it (emphasis mine).


The first purpose God has for our suffering is that, as His children, He is training us in endurance. This is echoed in Romans 5:3, where we see that 'suffering produces endurance'. This training is part of our maturation as believers. If we are all honest with ourselves, the most valuable lessons, the lessons that really made us 'grow up', came through our hardest seasons. When life is going along smoothly, our tendency is not to press into God and pursue Him with desperation and reckless abandon. We usually only arrive there when we have nowhere else to go. This is part of God's discipline process for us. He wants to remind us that we must wholly lean on Him, and this means removing our false senses of security one by one. It is a painful process, but it is one that 'yields the fruit of righteousness' in us.

When we think of the word 'discipline', we most often think of 'correction', such as "My child came home four hours late, so I had to discipline him." Or, "That person has gone wild - they obviously weren't disciplined enough at home." However, there is another type of discipline which is more like 'diligent practice'. One does not simply walk up to a piano and play Bach or Beethoven. Hitting a curveball doesn't come naturally, much less pitching one. An Olympic gymnast works on the same routine for years in order to get it right the one time it counts most. Each of these requires hours upon hours of diligent practice. Blisters, bumps, bruises, callouses, frustrations, failures, and eventually, some successes. If you were to continue to read beyond verse 11 in this passage, you will see an exhortation from the author to live in a holy manner. How is this possible except by the power of God working in us to grow in the discipline of our faith through the endurance obtained in times of suffering?

As we see this process rightly, we realize that He does this because He loves us. He knows that the best thing for us is to trust in Him alone because He alone is fully faithful and trustworthy at all times. It is His fatherly love toward us, His children, that compels Him to discipline us. This discipline is manifested as suffering in our lives, but this suffering ultimately produces the endurance necessary to finish the race. C.S Lewis humorously puts it this way in A Mind Awake: "If you think of this world as a place intended simply for our happiness, you find it quite intolerable: think of it as a place of training and correction and it's not so bad."

2 Corinthians 1:3-7
Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ's sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too. If we are afflicted, it is for your comfort and salvation; and if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which you experience when you patiently endure the same sufferings that we suffer. Our hope for you is unshaken, for we know that as you share in our sufferings, you will also share in our comfort.


The second purpose God has for our suffering is to comfort us and for us to bring comfort to others who are likewise suffering. The Holy Spirit is called the 'Comforter', and that is one of His ministries. He brings comfort and peace to us in our most trying times. And we can receive that comfort when we understand that God looks on us with adoration as His children. He delights in our delighting in Him, and He receives glory when we find comfort in His presence.

We are then to serve as examples of comfort to one another. As I go through suffering, I desire that you would see the reality of that suffering as well as the reality of God's comforting presence through it all. Then, when you go through suffering, you will know that God brings comfort because you saw it happen with me. You will not be so tempted to doubt because you have seen the goodness of God displayed to me. Further, since I have personally experienced this goodness, I come alongside you and tell you of His goodness, strengthening your faith all the more to endure the trial you are facing. And on it goes. Suffering is beneficial for both the individual and the Church.

We now see that, while Satan has his purposes for our suffering, God has His as well. This helps us understand that suffering is part of God's plan, but are His plans good (as in, not only 'for the greater good' but also 'good for me too')? Let's look at two passages from Romans, one giving us a direct answer to the question and the other telling us why.

Romans 12:2 (NIV)
Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - His good, pleasing, and perfect will.


For our purposes, the words 'will' and 'plans' are synonymous. Given this, there is not a lot of room for discussion on this point. God's will is good, pleasing, and perfect. That's an airtight argument if I've ever heard one. But, we are curious people, and taking something at face value is not something we are particularly comfortable with, generally speaking. In this case, while it is clear that God's plans are good, we may still be tempted to ask, 'How do we know they're good?' In His grace and mercy toward us, despite not having to explain Himself to anyone, God gives us the answer to this question. He's a loving Father, so He loves to instruct His children.

Romans 8:16-18
The Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs - heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, provided we suffer with him in order that we may also be glorified with him. For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us (emphasis mine).


The highlighted section is of utmost importance, especially the word provided and the clause in order that. The assumption is that, as children of God (and subsequently co-heirs with Christ), we will suffer with Him. The converse assumption must also be made because of the word provided - if we are/have not suffered with Christ, we must wonder if we are God's children. If that thought is frightening, then this would be a great moment to stop reading and ask God to search your heart, to repent, and to lay yourself at His mercy, allowing His grace and Christ's blood to wash over you and cleanse you from your sin and make you alive by His Spirit. Be Christ's!

The great news comes after the phrase in order that. It is here we see the why behind the suffering. Our suffering reveals that we are God's children, and as such it means that we have had Christ's righteousness imputed to us. This means that, when we stand before Him on that day, He sees Christ's blood over us, and He will pass over our iniquities and usher us into eternal rest, joy, and glory. Thus, suffering in Christ, which produces endurance through the disciplined training we receive at the hand of our Father, ultimately ends with our being glorified with Jesus for eternity.

Conclusion: Suffering is part of God's plan and is good for the Christian.

Next week: The Gift of Suffering: It's a Gift

Christen on Holiness and Grace

From 'The Heart of the Matter'

Outer purification is of no use without the inner disposition to live rightly before God.


From 'The Great Disconnect'
Let my works demonstrate the grace extended to me, not qualify the grace freely given to me.

The above quotes are from Christen's blog. In preparation for going on Moody Radio, I spent some time rereading (again...) several of Christen's posts. I was once more amazed with her ability to communicate so much with so few words. I've joked about certain authors' sentences weighing 800 pounds (John Piper, A.W. Tozer). Christen falls into that category as well.

I was particularly struck by these two quotes because they communicate a unified message despite being written in two different posts. Consider the first. It is dealing with personal holiness. So often, when we think of personal holiness, we think of 'do's' and 'don'ts', lists of rules, a veritable compendium of thou-shalt-this-but-most-certainly-thou-shalt-not-that.

However, what is suggested in Christen's writing - and I would add the Bible on the whole - is something very different from our traditional ideas. Rather than a list, which is legalism at its finest, the key to personal holiness is our hearts' desire to glorify God. The 'inner disposition' stems from holding Christ as our ultimate treasure. When we hold Him so, we obey what is written in the Bible not because we have to but because we get to. We count it a privilege to take instruction from the Lord, and we endeavor to put into practice that which He says is best. Will we arrive at actual, practical holiness in this life? No (sorry to all the Finney lovers out there). But by God's grace through the power of His Holy Spirit, we will be made more and more like Him (called sanctification) until such a time as He returns or calls us home and we are made perfect in His presence (called glorification).

And here we run right into the second quote. Our works, the 'good works He has prepared in advance', are not what make us right before God. That was done for us when Jesus lived perfectly, died sacrificially, rose powerfully, and imputed His righteousness to us graciously. This grace was extended to us in His sovereignty by His mercy and love. We did not earn it through our works. We are not saved by works; rather, we are saved to works. Our works, therefore, shine forth that grace to His glory and for our joy.

...........................................................................................................................................................

I don't know if you've figured it out yet, but I wrote this post more for me than for anyone else. Usually, when I write, the first question I ask myself is, 'Will this be beneficial for those who read it?' Tonight, I simply wanted to write about the kind of thinker Christen was, how she was able to capture so much truth with so few words, how deeply saturated in her satisfaction in Christ she was that she could put one thought out there and it would make me think many thoughts after it. I've missed her a lot these last couple of weeks, and I am continually proud to have been her husband, to have been part of her life and part of what influenced her to think deeply and then write about her thoughts. I read these lines of hers, and I laugh - out loud - because of their profundity and insight into the great and gracious God we serve.

A Big Week

Rather than trying to put up a post today, I thought I would just share what is going on in my life this week (as well as one thing that's happening with my church). It's kind of a big week, so this will serve to let you know what's going on - as well as how to pray for me/my family, if I may be so bold as to ask.

Tuesday, March 27
I will be on the Moody Radio broadcast of This is the Day at 10am. Feel free to listen or stream it online. Some of the folks at Moody have been keeping up with this blog as well as Christen's and asked me to come in to talk about her life and legacy and how the Lord has been working in and through me since her passing.

Thursday, March 29
This day would have marked Christen's 30th birthday. She was really looking forward to turning 30, and she had been determined to be in the best shape of her life. Strangely, this has come true - her glorified body is most certainly an improvement on anything we could conceive of here! For those who may wonder, I will be having a quiet evening at home, just me and the kids. We'll have some sort of celebration for her, but it'll just be for us - they're sure to keep it lighter than my heart will feel!

Friday-Saturday, March 30-31
My home church, the Chicago Tabernacle, will be putting on several presentations of its unique drama, the Story of Love. I assure you, this intense production is well worth your time. If you already know and love Jesus, you'll love Him more. If you don't know him at all, this is a great opportunity to find out what He thinks of you and what He did on your behalf. Check out the details here. For those wanting to honor Christen's birthday, here's an idea: bring someone to the Story of Love so that they would hear the gospel.

Please pray for me and my family this week as we seek to continue to honor Christen's life, a life truly well lived. I am not expecting this week to be an easy one. The reality of her passing continues to..well...become more real. Personally, I have missed her more in the past week than I had been recently. I am thankful for an amazingly supportive friends and family network. I will certainly be leaning on them in the coming days.

In addition, pray for the exceptional leaders, staff, and volunteers who have labored to put together the Story of Love. They have put in many thankless hours, and what they have done to bring out the already exceptional story of God's love for His people is nothing short of remarkable. Please consider attending and inviting others to attend.

Thank you for your continued readership. I consider it an honor and a privilege that what I write gets read by anyone, much less appreciated. So, thank you. I look forward to what the Lord does next through this simple endeavor. God bless you all!

Bumping Up the Priorities

Back in October 2011, Christen and I had the opportunity to sit on a panel with two other married couples at an event held by our church's newly launched marriage ministry. During the Q&A session, I was able to address the issue of priorities. Speaking as someone who has mixed his up a time or two, I was glad to convey what I had learned. As a married man with children, I stated, my priorities are and must only be as follows:

1) Christian
2) Husband
3) Father
4) Everything else

In other words, my relationship with Christ comes first, my relationship with my wife next, my relationship with my children third, and then all other relationships after that (extended family, friends, co-workers, etc). Also, for those aspiring to vocational ministry, being a Christian and being a minister are not synonymous. Ministry falls under priority 4. I know from experience on that one, so trust me.

I have a challenge now, though. When Christen passed away, a gap opened up in the priority list. It has looked like this:

1) Christian
2)
3) Father
4) Everything else

I didn't know what to do with the gap. Do I swallow it with priority 1? Do I leave it blank, thereby either trying to keep Christen in that slot or unwisely trying to fill it with someone or something else? Do I just ignore it and hope it goes away?


In the end, the purpose of the list is to keep what's most important in the right order. Therefore, the current list should look like this:

1) Christian
2) Father
3) Everything else

I am not advocating here that my kids take Christen's place or that I am now married to my kids. If I am thinking the former, I place an unfair and, honestly, strange expectation on my kids to be my best friend. If I am thinking the latter, when they eventually leave the house, it will feel like a divorce rather than the natural progression of life. In either case, they are not meant to fill those roles.

What I am proposing is that they have bumped up the priority list. As of now, after my relationship with Jesus,  my most important relationships are with my kids. Perhaps this seems a natural or common sense conclusion, but I must admit I came to it after a lot of thought and wrestling. I didn't want to view them as my 'new marriage'. I am their daddy and their my wee ones, and that needs to remain as is (though they won't be wee ones for much longer!).

What does change is the time, effort, thought, and energy I put into my respective relationships with each child. Some of the relational resources I devoted to Christen will go to my relationship with Jesus, but other resources will go to the kids. This prevents turning my kids into pasty, blonde idols while still allowing for our relationships to flourish in a wholly new way.